Parenting Insights by Emily
Updated: Dec. 14, 2014
Originally Published: Sep. 9, 2012
I get asked about the “daddy question” roughly once a week. When I first encountered it, I felt a wave of anxiety. What if I said the wrong thing? Would my kids end up in therapy because I didn’t provide the perfect answer? Fast forward to today, and my worries have faded. I’ve come to realize that my children will need therapy for a multitude of other reasons, and this question doesn’t even rank in my top twenty concerns anymore. Plus, I’ve developed several responses. My favorite is, “It takes time to find someone truly special to be your daddy.”
When they were younger, my kids didn’t grasp the intricacies of that question. They probably thought I could just stroll into a store, select one, and bring him home. Now that they’re six, they’ve caught on to the fact that it’s not that simple. They understand concepts like marriage and the idea that a mommy and daddy should love each other. They even play matchmaker for me!
Last year, my son excitedly informed me that his friend had an uncle with a beard, a jeep, and—get this—a jet pack! Apparently, that was his dream dad. I found the jet pack interesting but decided to keep that particular topic off the table.
Recently, my kids took it upon themselves to set me up with the town juggler. My son was convinced that having a juggling dad would elevate his cool factor among friends. He spun an entire tale about how awesome it would be to show off his new dad. Thankfully, the juggler didn’t show up at our church event; I could just imagine my kids shouting, “Will you marry my mom?” right in the middle of his act.
While my children may be persistent, I can relate to other single mothers who are navigating the tricky balance of family life and dating. It’s a significant challenge. Yet, there’s a deeper issue I face that a simple calendar or babysitter won’t fix. My past has left me questioning whether I can truly open my heart to someone new or if the scars are too deep to heal.
I ponder this often. I know I’m capable of love—I have two wonderful kids whom I adore unconditionally. I’ve learned to trust a few people, and I maintain great work relationships. But when it comes to intimacy, I find myself facing my original wounds. To be fair, intimacy is challenging for anyone who has endured trauma.
Some friends find my single status puzzling. They joke that I must be a lesbian, which reflects the societal notion that women don’t choose to be single. I’ve even contemplated a same-sex relationship, thinking it might be easier given my past. However, I realized two things: first, a healthy relationship demands trust and vulnerability, and second, David Beckham’s underwear ads do have their appeal!
So for now, I wait. I focus on rebuilding my capacity to trust and open up to others. I practice saying no to the wrong people and take pride in my newfound strength and voice. I’m learning to embrace patience and accept my current situation. I remain hopeful that one day, I’ll find the right person and feel ready to say yes.
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Summary
Navigating single motherhood comes with its own challenges, including answering tough questions from kids about absent fathers. Over time, the author has learned to embrace the complexities of parenting and relationships, focusing on healing and personal growth. Through humor and relatability, she shares her journey and the insights gained along the way while remaining hopeful for the future.