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Rediscovering Myself Beyond Motherhood
Updated: Jan. 1, 2016
Originally Published: Sep. 17, 2012
For the past eight and a half years, my world has revolved around two little faces; everything I do seems to be for them. After all, I am their Mom. The night I saw those two pink lines was one of the happiest moments of my life because marrying and having children were my lifelong dreams. I remember sitting in the basement with a pink soda in a plastic goblet, stuffing a pillow under my shirt while binge-watching my favorite (and now banned) show, Felicity.
However, the ideal of motherhood quickly shifted when I realized it required more than just cuddling babies and fawning over their cuteness. Who signed me up for the never-ending chores? What do you mean we need to eat and wear clean clothes? I discovered that being a Stay-at-Home Mom was synonymous with Housewife, and I wish someone had prepared me for that reality sooner.
I am grateful we made sacrifices for me to stay at home, but I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelming choices: breastfeed or bottle feed? Cloth or disposable diapers? Our bed or his crib? Every parenting decision felt scrutinized, and self-doubt crept in fast. After our second child arrived, I faced a tough battle with postpartum challenges. My days were consumed with diapers (store-bought), naps, and advocating for my four-year-old, who had encountered something he wasn’t quite ready to handle alone. I succumbed to being just “Mommy,” giving up on any aspirations beyond that identity.
Gradually, I learned to pull myself out of that emotional pit. I began to genuinely smile at people again, and when my oldest headed off to school, I felt a mixture of sadness and excitement about bonding with my youngest, Liam, in a fresh way. For the last three years, we’ve spent time snuggling, playing, and exploring the world together.
Now, as Liam turns five and kindergarten looms, I am faced with the reality of entering a new chapter in my life. My childhood dreams focused solely on the baby stage; being “Mommy” was my ultimate goal. Soon, I will have six hours a day for myself, and I can’t help but wonder what I’ll do with that time.
I’m realizing I need to reconnect with who I am outside of being a mother. Who is Sarah? I haven’t thought about my identity beyond motherhood for so long. I feel like a different woman from the one who first saw that positive pregnancy test. I’ve changed in countless ways.
I have published a novel and have others waiting for their turn, things I never envisioned doing but now can’t imagine not pursuing. Yet, I still find myself questioning, “What else is there?” Facebook? Pinterest? Sure, I could waste hours there, but do I really want to look back and say, “I was so in tune with everyone’s dinner plans” or “I pinned a ton of design ideas I’ll never achieve”?
This phase of life feels unfamiliar and daunting. I am “Mommy,” but soon I’ll have time to reflect on the woman in the mirror and rediscover who she is. Honestly, I’m a bit nervous about her answers, but there’s no one else in that reflection but me. It’s time to embrace this new journey of self-discovery.
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Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, a mother navigates the challenges of motherhood while grappling with her identity beyond the role of “Mommy.” As her youngest approaches kindergarten, she confronts the excitement and anxiety of rediscovering herself after years of focusing solely on her children.