Parenting Insights by Lisa Harper
In today’s world, the self-esteem of our daughters may be at an all-time low. Research indicates that women’s happiness has been declining since the 1970s, likely influenced by contemporary beauty standards and societal pressures. This is perhaps why I’ve encountered numerous mothers in my practice questioning whether complimenting their daughters on their looks is harmful.
Initially, I found this puzzling. But many mothers expressed concern, citing that telling a girl she’s beautiful could have negative repercussions. They worried that such compliments might lead their daughters to equate their worth with their physical appearance.
The prevailing sentiment seems to be, “We should focus on telling her she’s smart, not pretty!” The debate often centers around whether emphasizing beauty could lead girls to rely on looks for validation or success. The argument goes that if we encourage girls to value their appearance too highly, they might grow into women who are superficial or worse, overly dependent on their looks.
Moreover, some worry that by labeling a girl as pretty, we may inadvertently set her up for disappointment later on. They fear that when faced with the harsh realities of the world, she might struggle with self-worth if she believes her beauty is fleeting or superficial.
Others suggest that we should emphasize a child’s efforts and achievements rather than their physical appearance. For instance, praising a child for their hard work in creating a drawing rather than focusing on the beauty of the drawing itself is thought to foster a growth mindset. The underlying belief is that if a girl believes beauty is inherent, she may not strive to cultivate other valuable traits.
But here’s the thing: While it’s important to promote hard work and intelligence, there’s absolutely no harm in telling a child they are beautiful too. Most parents who offer compliments about looks also highlight attributes like intelligence, kindness, or creativity in their children’s actions. “I’m so impressed with how you applied yourself in that project! It’s fantastic!” or “Your kindness in helping your friend is admirable.”
Some argue that we don’t treat boys the same way, and that’s true to an extent. However, this is a situation we can easily change. My sons, for instance, have striking eyes, and I would be remiss not to acknowledge that. Recognizing their beauty doesn’t mean I’m steering them toward vanity or objectification.
Why should we assume that acknowledging our daughters’ beauty leads to harmful outcomes? Our girls are resilient, intelligent, and capable of understanding that while beauty is one aspect of who they are, it isn’t the entirety of their identity.
I know I possess qualities beyond my appearance, yet I appreciate compliments on my looks too. It’s not unreasonable to want to hear that you look nice. If we want our daughters to embrace compliments, we must demonstrate that being worthy of acknowledgment comes in many forms—whether it’s for being clever, hardworking, humorous, or beautiful.
It’s also essential to recognize that beauty does hold significance in our culture. Our daughters will encounter societal messages about beauty that can be unrealistic and damaging. We can’t shield them from caring about their appearance entirely. However, by affirming their beauty in a loving way, we can help them counteract the negative messages they receive.
Reassuring them that they are beautiful, especially when the world may tell them otherwise, can provide a moment of clarity and positivity. It’s vital for them to see themselves as we do: as beautiful, remarkable individuals who are valued for all they are. Our perspective shapes theirs, and it truly matters.
Let’s empower our daughters to recognize their beauty through our loving eyes, so they can eventually see it in themselves.
Summary
In conclusion, acknowledging your daughter’s beauty is not only acceptable but can be beneficial for her self-esteem. While it’s crucial to also praise her intelligence and efforts, there’s no harm in complimenting her appearance. By balancing compliments, you help her develop a well-rounded sense of self-worth that isn’t solely tied to looks. Remember, your perspective will significantly influence how she views herself.
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