By: Jamie Parker
Updated: Dec. 20, 2023
Originally Published: Dec. 9, 2012
Throughout my marriage, I often found myself considering divorce. Each time, the thought of spending the holidays away from my child weighed heavily on my mind. I couldn’t imagine waking up on Christmas morning without my little one’s joyful energy filling the house. No cookies left out for Santa, no excitement over unwrapping gifts in cozy pajamas, and certainly no laughter echoing through the rooms.
Two years ago, my husband and I decided to separate. During that first holiday season, we both spent time at home with our son, as it was the least disruptive option given our recent split. However, when we initiated the divorce process six months later, I began to brace myself for a lonely Christmas. Our separation agreement stipulated that our son would be with his dad on Christmases that fall in even years.
I remember the moment I read that document; tears streamed down my face. I desperately wanted to experience Christmas with my little boy, who spent most of his time with me, as he reveled in the magic of the season. My feelings of bitterness and selfishness crept in. Then, in September, I received news that my ex-husband would be deploying overseas, which meant I would get to spend that Christmas with my son.
As the months passed, I mentally prepared myself for what I anticipated would be a quiet holiday. This year, however, I knew I would wake up alone; my son’s father had settled into a new routine and is no longer in the military. The thought of waking up without my heart and soul beside me is almost unbearable. I’ve lost count of the tears I’ve shed over this. Recently, my son caught me in a vulnerable moment.
“Mom, why are you so sad?” he asked.
“I’m just sad that I won’t see you on Christmas morning,” I replied.
“You can just come to Daddy’s and see all my Santa presents. Wouldn’t that be fun?” he suggested, full of innocent hope.
I wished I could explain that this is not how divorce works and that he won’t always have holidays with both of us. Despite his wishes, we will never share the same space again during those special times.
In the past two years, we have both moved forward, creating new lives and connections. I’ve found love again and dedicated time to improving myself and my career. I’ve discovered a strength in single parenting that I didn’t know I possessed. Yet, no amount of personal growth can truly prepare me for waking up alone on Christmas Day.
My heart feels heavy because my family is no longer whole. I doubt any parent can fully heal from the reality of a broken family. Last Sunday, I reached out to my mom to see if I could spend Christmas Eve at her place. My new partner lives far away, making it impractical for us to be together during the holidays. I simply cannot face waking up in a quiet house, surrounded by twinkling lights and unwrapped gifts, with only the silent gaze of Cocoa the Elf reminding me of the joy that’s missing.
No one should have to spend Christmas morning alone. I’ve had two years to prepare for this moment, yet I find myself still unready.
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Summary:
The author reflects on the emotional challenges of spending Christmas without their child due to divorce. Despite moving forward and finding new love, the pain of a broken family lingers, particularly during the holidays. The piece captures the deep longing for shared moments and the struggle of facing a solitary Christmas.