7 Motherhood Terms That Drive Me Up the Wall

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At 37, I found myself stepping into motherhood a bit later than most. During my first ultrasound, my obstetrician casually referred to me as an “elderly primagravida.” Did he really just say “elderly”? What sort of situation was my body in? I half-expected to see a “Help Wanted” sign on my uterus. Thankfully, he clarified that “elderly primigravida” simply means a woman over 34 who’s expecting. Great, so my lady parts are officially past their prime!

Since that moment, I’ve developed a strong aversion to what I call “mom jargon.” Here’s a collection of motherhood phrases that I think should be retired immediately:

1. Baby Bump: What happened to just calling it a “belly” or “stomach”? Someone decided that “baby bump” sounded more exotic, but honestly, it makes pregnancy sound like a contagious condition. “Look at your baby bump! Should we call a doctor?” Enough already!
2. Pump and Dump: I admit I’ve used this phrase once or twice, usually after a celebratory drink or two. While it technically describes the process of pumping breast milk after consuming alcohol, it conjures an unflattering mental image of a mom awkwardly perched on a toilet. Can we please brainstorm a new phrase? How about “protecting baby’s liver” or “justifying my mojito”?
3. Push Present: When did it become standard for mothers to receive gifts for giving birth? I mean, sure, labor is tough, but it’s not like we’re doing dads any favors here. The notion of getting a fancy necklace to commemorate the occasion is amusing. Picture this: a woman in labor, grunting and straining, when suddenly a beautifully wrapped box pops out instead of a baby. How ridiculous is that?
4. DD, DS, and DH: Seriously? “Dear daughter,” “dear son,” and “dear husband”? Why not just stick with “daughter,” “son,” and “husband”? I’d rather not make my family sound like a corporate entity. My husband may be my “dear” sometimes, but he’s also the guy who gives me those exasperated looks that could use an acronym of their own!
5. Mucus Plug: This term is far too graphic for my taste. It sounds like something out of a horror film. I’m on a mission to find a euphemism that doesn’t make everyone cringe. Maybe we could go with “baby stopper” or “stork cork”? Suggestions are welcome.
6. Effaced: This term might be accurate, but it’s misleading. Effacement refers to the thinning of the cervix before labor, but until I attended a childbirth class, I thought it was some sort of odd medical condition. Can’t we just say “thinning”? That’s much more reassuring for a 9-month-pregnant woman!
7. Fur Baby: I get it; pets are family too. But calling them “fur babies” just doesn’t sit right with me. Unlike my actual baby, my dog knows how to do her business outside and doesn’t require me to nurse her. Unless you’re raising an Ewok, let’s drop this term, shall we?

And that’s my list. If you happen to use any of these phrases, consider this a gentle nudge to rethink your word choices!

For more insights into the world of parenting and home insemination, check out our other post on the terms and conditions that could help guide your journey. And if you’re curious about artificial insemination kits, they offer some great options. For comprehensive information on pregnancy, the NHS has excellent resources to help you navigate this exciting time.

Summary: This article humorously critiques seven motherhood terms that can be annoying or misleading, advocating for simpler, more relatable language. From “baby bump” to “fur baby,” the author shares her thoughts on why these phrases should be retired and suggests alternatives.