Since my partner and I adopted our beautiful children, who are all Black, we’ve encountered various well-meaning yet misguided comments from individuals who seem eager to showcase their open-mindedness regarding race. Unfortunately, these comments often miss the mark and can come off as ignorant or insensitive. Here are nine remarks we hear frequently, along with reasons why they make me cringe:
- Using Stereotypes: Referring to Black individuals as “ghetto,” “thug,” or “those people” is simply unacceptable. Those are my children you’re talking about, and stereotypes only perpetuate division.
- Over-the-Top Compliments: “Your daughter is so, so, so pretty! She’s just so beautiful!” While I appreciate the sentiment, excessive praise can come off as awkward and even uncomfortable for my child. One genuine compliment is enough—no need to repeat it endlessly.
- Colorblindness: “I’m teaching my kids to be colorblind.” This concept is a myth. Ignoring race doesn’t foster understanding or equity; instead, it dismisses the rich diversity and challenges that exist.
- Token Friend Mention: “My Black friend…” This often has nothing to do with the point you’re making. You don’t need to mention your Black friend to validate your openness; it often feels like you’re using them as a prop to illustrate your point.
- Playing Down Race: Comments like “don’t make it about race” or “don’t play the race card” are dismissive. There’s no card to play; these are lived experiences that deserve recognition and understanding.
- Objectifying Mixed-Race Children: “I just love little mixed babies. They are SO cute.” Children are not accessories or trophies meant to be admired; they are individuals with feelings and rights. It’s disheartening when compliments are reserved only for biracial children while neglecting Black or other children of color.
- Whispering “Black”: There’s no need to lower your voice when mentioning someone’s race. Being Black is not a negative descriptor, and if their race isn’t relevant to your story, it’s best not to mention it at all.
- Disregarding Real Issues: Trying to shift focus to “Black-on-Black crime” instead of acknowledging the serious issues Black boys face regarding stereotypes and police violence is unhelpful. It’s essential to empathize with the realities these families confront daily.
- Misunderstanding Black History Month: Questions like “Why is there a Black History Month and not a White History Month?” often arise. The truth is, Black History Month highlights the contributions and stories of Black Americans, which are frequently overlooked in mainstream narratives. Recognizing this is not racism; it’s about celebrating history in its entirety.
As someone who identifies as white, I recognize the challenges many of my peers face when discussing race. A good rule of thumb is to listen, ask questions, and show empathy rather than imposing personal opinions. Ultimately, everyone, regardless of race, desires respect, validation, and connection.
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In summary, being mindful of our words can create a more inclusive environment for everyone. Let’s strive to celebrate diversity with understanding and respect.