So, you’ve been told it’s your turn to undergo a colonoscopy? Don’t fret; it’s a rite of passage that most people face at some point in their lives. Whether you’re hitting the milestone age of fifty, have a family history that necessitates it, or have another reason for an earlier screening, it’s part of the journey.
I just recently went through this experience myself. While I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the procedure, I decided to tackle it with my usual humor: “Ugh, do I really have to?!” followed by, “You know what? I’m going to handle this like a champ!” Here’s a handy guide to help you prepare for your own colonoscopy adventure.
- Invest in Luxurious Toilet Paper: Go for the softest, most plush toilet paper you can find. Seriously, splurge on that velvet-like softness; your behind will thank you. Don’t forget to grab some flushable wipes too!
- Communicate Clearly with Your Partner: Give your spouse or partner detailed instructions on what needs to happen while you’re out of commission. For instance, I shot a quick message to my partner, Alex, saying, “I’ll be in the bathroom all morning, so you’ll need to handle the school drop-off.”
- Prepare the Kids: Explain the procedure to your children in a way they can understand. I told mine, “The doctors are going to use a camera to peek inside my body, and before that, I’ll be drinking some really awful stuff that’s worse than any of your complaints. I’ll be in the bathroom a lot, and after, I’ll just want to eat ice cream in my room. Don’t bother me unless you’re bringing ice cream!”
- Savor Your Last Meal: Choose your final meal wisely – make it something delicious, but be warned, it might turn into a meal you never want to eat again! I devoured a mountain of sushi and a few sweets to ease into the fasting phase.
- Engage in Pun Wars: Keep the atmosphere light with your partner. Share some cheesy jokes to lighten the mood. “Hope your day isn’t too crappy!” “I’ll be reading a book while I get this all out of my system!”
- Seclude Yourself: The day before, you’ll be on a liquid diet, which may make you a bit irritable. Having a designated space (like your room) can help you avoid taking out your hunger on your family.
- Celebrate the Prep: When it’s time to down that bowel prep solution, own it! Share your experience with those around you—it’ll make them envious of your unique journey.
- Brace Yourself for the Prep Drink: That magic cleansing solution? It’s as awful as it sounds—like a foul-tasting concoction. Just chug it down; you’ve survived worse in college!
- Set Up a Bathroom HQ: Ensure your bathroom is stocked with everything you need—reading material, electronics, and hydration. If you have a comfy toilet seat cover, now’s the time to use it!
- Choose Comfortable Pants: Opt for elastic waistbands. Trust me, you’ll want to avoid any clothing with drawstrings—timing is everything during this process!
- Forget About Nice Underwear: This is not the time for your best pieces. You might want to consider burning those undies afterwards.
- Limit Social Media Updates: While it might be tempting, save the live-tweeting for another time. However, selfies for your close friends (a.k.a. your Poop Club) are totally acceptable!
- Take Breaks Between Bathroom Visits: Use the downtime wisely; lay back or move around, just keep within reach of the toilet—no squatting or bending allowed!
- Shower on the Morning of the Procedure: Just be prepared for a quick dash to the bathroom at a moment’s notice.
- Be Kind to the Medical Staff: Even if they have a tough time finding a vein for your IV, remember they’re the ones who’ll be helping you through the procedure.
- Share Jokes with the Doctors: Make them chuckle with your awkward humor. After all, this is the easy part of the process.
- Keep Everyone Updated Post-Procedure: Let your loved ones know how you’re doing after the procedure.
- Consider Holiday Cards with a Twist: If you plan it right, you could even sneak in some colon pics with your holiday greetings!
P.S. To my dear partner, this procedure reaffirmed my stance on avoiding certain activities in the future. Sorry, not sorry.
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Summary
Preparing for a colonoscopy can be a daunting experience, but with the right mindset and preparation, it can be manageable. From stocking up on plush toilet paper to sharing jokes with your loved ones, embracing the humor in the situation can help ease the tension. Remember, a little planning goes a long way in making this process smoother.