I Don’t Like My Skin

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In December 2009, my family traveled to Ethiopia and welcomed our son Leo home on Christmas Day. This little boy has transformed my life and changed the way I see the world. He never fails to make me laugh, keeps me on my toes, and challenges me in ways I never imagined.

Some of our most enlightening conversations happen during the car ride to school, usually between 7:30 am and 7:50 am. Leo uses this time to share his thoughts, ask questions, and tell stories. It’s amazing how much I learn in just twenty minutes.

However, this morning’s chat caught me off guard and filled me with sadness. The day before, I had taken Leo to the dermatologist for his annual eczema check-up. It was a routine visit; the doctor assured us he looked great. I explained to Leo that sometimes his skin gets a little dry, just like mine.

Then, out of nowhere, I heard him from the backseat: “Mommy, why did I go to the dermatologist yesterday?”

I replied, “Just to check your eczema. Lots of people have it. You looked fantastic! We just need to keep using your cream.”

But then came the unexpected: “I don’t like my skin.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, a sinking feeling in my chest.

“It’s too dark.”

My heart dropped. I wanted to pull over and hug him. These were the words I had dreaded, but I never thought I’d hear them from my almost four-year-old.

“Leo, I love your skin. You have beautiful brown skin.”

“Well, I don’t like brown skin. I want skin like yours.”

I was at a loss for words, grappling with the weight of his feelings. I thought we had created an environment that would help him feel proud of who he is, but apparently, I was mistaken.

“Many of your friends have brown skin,” I said, listing them in a panic. “And they’re wonderful!”

“Yeah, they do.”

“What kind of skin do you want?” I asked, bracing myself for the answer.

“Skin like yours.”

It was a heavy moment for me, alone in the car at 7:30 am. I never wanted Leo to feel this way. It was clear he had been wrestling with these thoughts for some time.

“Leo, your skin is beautiful. Everyone has different skin colors. If we all looked the same, how dull would that be? You loved learning about rainbows in school, right? People are like rainbows, all different colors but equally beautiful. I want you to see that your brown skin is just as lovely as mine, even if it’s not identical. There’s no such thing as too dark or too light.”

“OK,” he replied, seemingly satisfied.

As we arrived at school, he asked if he was going to Pre-K today.

I knew this conversation was far from over; it was merely the beginning. On my way to work, I called my partner, Jake, to share what had happened. I could hear the same sadness in his voice. I later spoke with a colleague who offered me a compassionate ear and valuable insights.

I wish we didn’t have to discuss these issues with Leo. Not because it’s hard for us, but because I can see the confusion and pain it causes him. I would do anything to shield him from that. But I realize that’s not possible.

I would appreciate any advice, reading suggestions, or stories from those with more experience than I have. It would help to know we are taking the right steps and saying the right things. More than anything, I wish I could guarantee that all future confusion and identity struggles can be minimized. That he will always love himself, regardless of how he differs from me or Jake. For now, our focus will be on demonstrating the countless reasons we adore him and supporting him as he shapes his identity.

Later that night, I asked Leo if he wanted to look at his Ethiopia book. Flipping through the pages, I pointed out photos of his birth family. “Look, your birth mommy and daddy have brown skin just like you! And their skin is beautiful!”

He smiled and nodded, “Yep!”

This journey is ongoing, and I’m grateful for every moment.

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Summary:

In a heartfelt reflection, a mother shares her experience of dealing with her son Leo’s early feelings of inadequacy regarding his skin color. After a routine visit to the dermatologist, Leo expresses discontent with his brown skin, prompting a candid discussion about self-love and diversity. The mother’s emotional response highlights a desire to foster pride in her child’s identity while navigating difficult conversations about race and self-acceptance. She seeks guidance and support from others who understand the complexities of these discussions.