Back-to-school shoe shopping is an adventure filled with long lines reminiscent of the DMV, fashion disputes with your kids, and a significant dent in your wallet for sneakers that will look like they survived a battle with The Hulk in just a few months. Yet, with the allure of enticing back-to-school sales and trendy footwear, many of us find ourselves trudging to the mall, even though it’s still summer.
Upon arriving in the Kids’ Shoe Department, which radiates an atmosphere of pure chaos, your little ones morph into wild creatures, launching balloons at each other with reckless abandon. Amidst this frenzy, a sales associate with an unnaturally calm demeanor will approach you, leaving you to wonder if he’s taken a chill pill or practiced some zen meditation in the stockroom. Try not to judge him; he’s simply surviving the madness.
Here’s how the delightful experience unfolds:
- It all begins with your child confidently asserting that he knows his shoe size, while you firmly believe he’s mistaken. The sales clerk steps in, attempting to measure your child’s foot as if it were a wriggling alligator.
- Next, you’ll be faced with the challenge of persuading your child to wear borrowed socks, which he hasn’t touched since the last day of school. He’ll act as though putting on communal socks is the worst thing ever, which, let’s be honest, it kind of is.
- Your child will then declare that he only wants shoes with velcro because laces are “dumb” and his friend Zack doesn’t wear them. Unfortunately, none of the options in his size will have velcro because, surprise – he’s not a toddler anymore. That’s a tough reality for both of you.
- After trying on the first pair, your kid will loudly complain about discomfort. This is likely due to his rebellion against the socks, which he’s pulled down to his ankles.
- You’ll adjust the socks so he can try on the shoes properly, only to have him shout about “something” poking him. The sales clerk will gently inform him that this is simply an arch.
- As he continues the quest for the perfect shoe, he’ll try on several pairs, only to grimace in agony, declaring, “Owwww, it’s too tight in the heel!”
- The clerk will present a selection of alternatives. Most will either repulse him or elicit cries of horror that will have bystanders thinking you’ve just pinched him (which, of course, you would never do in public).
- After suffering through numerous options, the clerk will show him some unique choices, including high-tops and a flashy pair of purple Nikes. He’ll scoff at the high-tops, claiming they “look like someone vomited neon,” and dismiss the shiny purple sneakers as “stupid.”
- After what feels like an eternity of toe-testing, you will finally declare that he has tried every shoe in his size. Yet, he’ll adamantly refuse to leave in his old shoes.
- In a moment of desperation, you’ll suggest revisiting one of the earlier pairs. To your astonishment, he’ll suddenly decide that the first pair is “Totally perfect!”
With a mix of divine intervention and the patience of a saint from the sales clerk, you’ll finally be ready to… tackle the next child in line. Shoe shopping for kids may seem like a fate worse than hell, but it’s a walk in the park compared to the ordeal of purchasing back-to-school supplies.
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Summary:
Back-to-school shoe shopping is a chaotic and often exasperating experience, filled with disputes over sizes and styles, uncomfortable communal socks, and the relentless search for the perfect pair of shoes. Despite the challenges, the process can lead to a surprisingly satisfying conclusion when a child finally finds the shoes they love.