The radiant smiles splashed across glossy family magazines serve as a societal reminder that a joyful child often reflects good parenting. If your little one giggles freely, dances through life with ease, and radiates happiness, then congratulations! You’re nailing this parenting gig. After tucking your cheerful kid into bed, treat yourself to a well-deserved glass of wine—you’ve earned it!
However, if you’re like me, you might have been gifted with a child who, despite your best efforts, manages to light up the room with a dazzling smile while still facing challenges. Maybe you also share the experience of having that one child, let’s call her Mia, who finds the world overwhelming. You know, the one who clings to you for dear life at the playground and panics at the sight of a passing dog.
As the mother of two wonderfully distinct daughters, I can confidently say that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, a child simply may not thrive. It feels unfair that some children, like my daughter Olivia, are born with a natural sense of joy while others, like Mia, grapple with anxiety from the very beginning.
Of course, a truly neglectful parent could dampen the spirit of even the most carefree child. But let’s extend some grace to the parents of those less joyful kids. As much as I might want to take credit for Olivia’s sunny demeanor, I can’t; she was born that way. And while I sometimes hold myself responsible for Mia’s struggles, I shouldn’t. Neither should you, well-meaning strangers at the grocery store or the park.
Mia has a sensory processing disorder, and after countless hours immersed in research and specialist visits, I can attest that understanding and managing this condition can be more perplexing than the symptoms themselves. Our developmental pediatrician likened sensory processing disorder to adult film: hard to define but obvious when you see it.
When I take Olivia for a stroll in the park, it’s a delightful experience. She waves at everyone we encounter, claps joyfully at the sight of a dog, and exclaims “Doggy!” with such enthusiasm that even the busiest dog walkers can’t help but smile and commend me on my precious girl. In those moments, I feel like the ultimate successful mother—though I know that bliss is fleeting.
On the other hand, a trip to the park with Mia resembles a military operation. My anxious child is flanked by adults, all scanning for dogs, lawnmowers, and any potential threats. During these outings, I sometimes struggle to maintain composure. One time, after Mia darted into the street in a panic, I found myself yelling, “If you run into the street again, I swear I’ll lose it!”
In those chaotic moments, I question my role as a mother. Perhaps you’ve felt the same. As you pull your distressed child back to safety or lift them sobbing from the toy aisle at the store, allow yourself to feel the mix of emotions: frustration, sadness, guilt, and yes, guilt again. Then take a deep breath, collect yourself, and hold back the tears welling up in your eyes. You don’t want your child to see your distress; they need your strength. So you swallow hard, picturing that pain as a bitter pill that will dissolve in solitude later. Because, whether your child is joyful or struggling, the love remains constant. Every misstep, every moment of imperfection weighs heavily on your heart.
Maybe you have a sad child or perhaps your normally cheerful kid has just had a tough day. Regardless, after doing your best and settling your tearful little one in for the night, pour yourself a glass of wine—you’ve certainly earned it.
The next time you see a frazzled mother at the store, wrestling with a crying child, don’t just walk past. Your silence may feel like judgment to her, especially when her child isn’t smiling. If you’d comment on a happy child, why not offer some encouragement to the mom of a sad one? Tell her she’s doing a great job and commend her for holding it together. Maybe, just maybe, instead of feeling defeated, she’ll turn to her child and share a smile, and perhaps catch a glimpse of that rare, fleeting joy in the rearview mirror of motherhood.
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In summary, parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s essential to recognize that not every child fits the mold of happiness. Every child is unique, and the love we have for them remains unwavering, whether they’re bubbly or anxious.