20 Insights I Wish I Had Before Adopting

self insemination kit

Much like first-time parents blissfully unaware of the challenges of childbirth, my partner and I sat through numerous adoption workshops, exchanging knowing smiles that said, “We won’t be affected like that.” Spoiler alert: we were wrong. Over the past 11 years of parenting—two children through adoption and one biological—I’ve compiled a list of essential insights I wish I had known prior to embarking on our adoption journey.

1. Adoption is a beautiful path to building a family.

2. Loss is an inherent part of adoption.

Regardless of how straightforward or idyllic your adoption appears, it is rooted in loss. Even in the fortunate scenario where you meet the birth mother in the hospital and she joyfully signs over parental rights, your child will still be impacted by adoption. The birth parents and their families endure loss, and you may feel the absence of pregnancy yourself. Emotional scars exist, whether they are visible or not.

3. Celebrate with supportive friends and family.

Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who will celebrate your growing family with all the traditional rituals. The two baby showers we had meant the world to us, affirming our status as a family amidst any doubts.

4. Expect different treatment from some individuals.

Expect some individuals to treat your family differently. I’ll never forget our first social worker, who, while pregnant, seemed to imply our family was less legitimate. During a home visit, she remarked about our nursery, “I wouldn’t set up a room for a child you might not get.” Ouch.

5. Budget wisely for adoption expenses.

Budget for your adoption expenses and then double or triple that amount. If you find yourself needing the funds, they’ll be there. If not, consider it a head start on a college fund!

6. Have a welcoming homecoming.

Ensure someone is there to welcome you home when you bring your child into your life. If you’re adopting internationally, have friends waiting at the airport. If you’re coming from a hospital or foster situation, arrange for people to celebrate with you. We arrived from Haiti to an empty airport, and it dampened the joy of becoming parents.

7. Most inquiries come from a good place.

Most inquiries about your children come from a good place. Many people are genuinely curious, considering adoption themselves, or are simply interested. Approach these questions with kindness and give others the benefit of the doubt.

8. Set boundaries with ill-intentioned questions.

However, you will encounter those with ill intentions. It’s perfectly fine to set boundaries. Once, a woman asked, “Where did you get those and how much were they?” I turned the question back on her, and it was a moment of awkwardness for everyone involved.

9. Honor your child’s heritage.

Always honor your child’s heritage and family background. Be truthful about any challenges they may have faced, but approach these topics with respect.

10. Reconsider if your motivation is to “save” a child.

If your motivation for adopting stems from a belief that the child needs saving from their culture or background, reconsider your decision. True love involves respect and preserving the child’s dignity.

11. Adoption is a long-term commitment.

Understand that adoption is a long-term commitment. If your child faces unexpected challenges, remember that you are still their parent. Adoption can be tough, and it can come with unique emotional hurdles.

12. Your child may express a desire for their “real” parents.

At some point, your child may express a desire for their “real” parents during moments of frustration. It will hurt, but it’s a common experience.

13. Fantasies about birth family are normal.

If your child cannot maintain a relationship with their birth family, they may fantasize about living with them, often idealizing that situation over their current life.

14. Feelings of loss are common.

The feelings in points 12 and 13, along with experiences such as a child seeking out their birth family, are normal.

15. Developmental challenges may be intensified.

Typical developmental challenges will often be intensified by your child’s adoption background, and many of these factors may remain unknown to you, making it a complex situation for all involved.

16. The absence of medical history can be a hurdle.

The absence of medical history can be a significant hurdle for parents and children alike. Initially confusing, it can later evolve into feelings of embarrassment and devastation.

17. The sense of loss is magnified.

The sense of loss you feel from not carrying your child will be magnified for them. While you process your feelings, remember that their loss is more profound.

18. Emotional complexities may be misunderstood.

Many friends and family may not fully understand the emotional complexities surrounding adoption.

19. Seek out understanding communities.

Seek out others who do understand these complexities.

20. Advocate for your child.

Adoption remains a sensitive topic in many circles. People may minimize your child’s experiences or treat them differently. As a parent, you must advocate for your child and educate others to ensure a supportive environment.

For more information on navigating such emotional journeys, refer to resources like MedlinePlus, and check out the insightful discussion on home insemination.

In summary, adopting is a beautiful journey filled with complex emotions and challenges. Understanding the nuances of this experience can prepare you for the road ahead and help you advocate for your child effectively. Whether you’re considering adoption or are already on this path, know that support and knowledge are key elements in navigating the journey.