I have an eight-year-old daughter. Yes, you read that correctly—she is EIGHT.
Recently, during a conversation with a beauty therapist while getting my eyebrows done, I was taken aback when she asked me if I was concerned that my daughter might be a lesbian. This question came after a friendly chat about my daughter’s personality and interests. Initially, I was shocked. I chuckled awkwardly, mumbled, “I don’t mind,” and left feeling unsettled.
Once I was in my car, frustration bubbled up inside me. I was annoyed not only at the therapist’s question but also at my own inability to respond articulately. Her comment reflected a recurring pattern I’ve witnessed over the years regarding my daughter’s unique expression of gender.
My daughter is a true tomboy—not just a playful girl who enjoys climbing trees and kicking a football, but one who fully embraces everything typically associated with boys. Since she turned four, she has adamantly refused to wear dresses. While her peers joined Rainbows, she eagerly signed up for Beavers. Her Christmas lists are filled with skateboards, black skull duvet covers, and Spiderman hoodies. She sports boys’ clothing, including her school uniform and shoes, often tucking her long hair into a baseball cap. At our 10th wedding anniversary, she proudly wore a suit. Sometimes, she even prefers to be called Sam or Ben. While she may not know who Snow White is, she has a strong affinity for Batman.
Initially, I thought it was just a phase, but here we are, four years later, and her preferences have remained steadfast. The real change, however, has been within me.
People often struggle to understand a girl who dresses like a boy, and I can’t fault them for that; I once held similar views. My laughter turned into worry, concern that she might have gender dysphoria or that others would judge my parenting. Most troubling of all was my realization that she didn’t fit the mold of the daughter I had envisioned, which affected our relationship. I found myself confused, surrounded by images of girls in frilly dresses and playing with Barbies, while my daughter proudly donned army camouflage and skull-themed rain boots, often mistaken for a boy.
Her first-grade teacher even expressed concern about my daughter’s self-esteem, particularly when she refused to wear a dress to the annual school dance. Though the boys were generally more accepting, she still faced challenges fitting in with the girls.
Then came a pivotal moment that shook me out of my worries. A friend interrupted me mid-conversation about my daughter and said, “Emma, let’s pause. She’s eight and she’s happy. If she faces real challenges as a teenager, then we can talk.” Those words were a wake-up call. In that moment, I recognized my daughter’s incredible spirit. She’s confident in her identity, and I realized I needed to shift my focus away from societal expectations and my own insecurities.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if she grows up to be gay or has other identities; what’s crucial is her happiness. A child should feel free to express who they are rather than hide it away. Once I embraced her individuality, our relationship transformed. No more battles over hats or clothing, no more attempts to push her into stereotypical girl activities.
Recently, I’ve encountered articles lamenting the influence of media on girls, with many expressing the desire for their daughters to break free from conformity. I empathize with that struggle because I’ve been there. Yet, I find myself in a different position—blessed with a daughter who defies expectations and remains indifferent to them. While she sometimes gets mistaken for a boy, she’s unfazed by it. When I correct people, I often receive puzzled looks or comments like, “Oh, I thought that was a boy.”
It reminds me of the media frenzy surrounding Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, who faced scrutiny for her short hair and preference for suits. While I may not share much with Angelina Jolie, I understand the desire to allow our daughters to embrace their true selves despite societal pressures.
Just yesterday, my daughter mentioned that classmates sometimes ask if she’s a boy or a girl. When I asked how that made her feel, she said, “I don’t mind. I’m not bothered. They’ll learn.” I nodded, realizing she’s absolutely right.
That’s why I recently picked her up a Batman bag—because she deserves to express herself freely.
This article was originally published on Oct. 21, 2013. For more on parenting and understanding gender expression, check out our other posts on home insemination.
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Summary
In this reflective piece, a mother shares her journey of understanding and accepting her daughter’s tomboy identity. Initially filled with worry and confusion, she comes to embrace her daughter’s uniqueness, realizing that happiness and self-acceptance are what truly matter. This transformation strengthens their relationship and highlights the importance of supporting children in their authentic selves.