The Parental Aptitude Test: Essential for Every High School Student

The other day, my child brought home a math assignment filled with problems reminiscent of the SATs. That got me thinking. We all know the SATs have their flaws and often feel unnecessary. If a student’s performance is strong in high school, they’ll likely continue to succeed in college. Conversely, poor grades in high school typically lead to struggles in higher education. The aptitude is already apparent.

Instead, I propose we introduce the PATs: the Parental Aptitude Test. Forget about having high school students lug around a bag of flour or a fake crying baby. Those Dr. Phil-style challenges, where couples try to install car seats without losing their minds? Not the best use of time. I have a far more effective test. Here’s how it works: the way you handle the following scenarios will provide a true assessment of your parenting skills.

1. The Diaper Change

This isn’t just about knowing how to put a diaper on. My toddler can do that with her dolls! I’m talking about changing a diaper filled with poo, while your little one tries to get their hands into the mess. If you manage to keep everything—including your child and yourself—clean during this process, you pass.

2. The Phone Call

Enjoy those peaceful phone chats while you can! Once you have kids, the phone becomes a magical device only they can hear. To pass, you must hold an entire conversation while one child clings to your leg and two others are bickering loudly in the background.

3. The Awkward Comment

Imagine being in a room with individuals of diverse appearances, and your child decides to comment on them. If they say nothing, congratulations—you’re an exceptional parent! But if they do speak up, you’ll need to find a way to hush them without resorting to duct tape.

4. The Deli Challenge

Order three distinct items from the deli while wrangling an 18-month-old. You’ll inevitably be given the wrong number, and once you pick one, you can’t leave the area. If you can keep your child in the cart (without a truck or steering wheel) and complete the order without bribing them with cheese, you can skip the final test.

5. Exiting the House with a Toddler

You have ten minutes to get out of the house and into the car, starting when your child is captivated by an episode of their favorite show. They need shoes, a hat, and a winter coat; you need to pack a diaper, wipes, a change of clothes, their favorite blanket, a sippy cup, two snacks, and at least three toys. As you walk the 50 yards to the car, your child will be tempted by puddles, flowers, and even a small puppy. Once buckled in, they’ll likely decide it’s the perfect moment for a diaper change again.

Good luck!

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In summary, the Parental Aptitude Test offers a humorous yet insightful look at what it truly means to prepare for parenthood. It emphasizes real-life scenarios that every parent must navigate, ensuring high school students are better equipped for the challenges ahead.