What should a single dad do when his kids aren’t fond of his girlfriend? My children certainly put their father’s partner through the wringer with questions like, “Can you cook? My mom does.” “Can you sew? My mom can.” “Do you know sign language? My mom does.” You get the picture. To her credit, the woman who eventually became their stepmom handled it gracefully.
She responded with questions that redirected the focus: “What’s your favorite dish that your mom makes?” “Did she sew that shirt? It looks great!” “I’d love to learn sign language, but I haven’t yet. What made your mom want to learn?” This approach showed genuine interest and helped reassure my kids that she wasn’t trying to replace their mother.
Here’s my tip: take charge of parenting yourself. Avoid placing your girlfriend in a position where she has to enforce rules or make significant decisions beyond what you would expect from a babysitter. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking, “Great! She can handle everything, and I can take a break.” But remember, you are the parent. You do the parenting. You manage your child’s laundry, decide on meals, enforce bedtimes, and supervise homework, baths, and story time. You make the choices. Support your partner, but don’t undermine her authority by contradicting her.
How’s your relationship with your child’s mother? If she’s in the picture, can you both support each other in this blended family setup? My daughters benefited greatly from being able to speak openly about me and my now-husband with their father and his girlfriend. One of my daughters even warmed up to my partner after her dad reassured her that he felt happy about my happiness and that he didn’t feel threatened if she liked him.
It goes without saying that neither you nor your girlfriend should ever badmouth your child’s mother. If your girlfriend can’t say something nice about her, it’s best to keep quiet. Building a step-family takes time, and everyone needs to know their role. I’ve been a stepmom to two wonderful young women for two decades. A key reason we get along well is that I’ve embraced my role as their dad’s wife, not their mom. I let him and their mother handle the parenting duties while I provided feedback privately to my husband when necessary.
Your child can develop a loving relationship with your significant other, but it should happen organically, without pressure. It might take years, but approach it one day at a time.
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Summary
Building strong relationships in blended families requires effort, patience, and clear boundaries. It’s essential for parents to take charge of their parenting roles while fostering open communication among all family members. By respecting each person’s role and allowing relationships to develop naturally, blended families can thrive over time.