Nurturing Friendship Skills in Our Daughters

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As my daughter navigates 7th grade at her small private school, she finds herself among familiar faces, having known many of her classmates since kindergarten. While overt bullying is rare, a more subtle form of social undermining has surfaced, especially among the girls.

At the start of the school year, my daughter began sharing snippets of conversations that left me concerned. Comments like:

• “Why would you wear those leggings?”
• “What did you do to your hair? Just, no.”
• “What’s that smell? Do you even use deodorant? Gross.”

These remarks, often delivered with a teasing tone, are made in places like the classroom before lessons begin or during lunch. It’s disheartening to know that my daughter, who has faced such words herself, views some of these girls as friends. This raises an important question: do our girls truly understand what friendship means?

I reminisce about the days when I supervised her playdates. Back then, if there was a dispute over a toy, I would guide the girls in taking turns. If someone spoke unkindly, we would discuss feelings and how to express ourselves kindly. After a couple of hours of play, they would leave with smiles and hugs. Simple and effective.

Now, my daughter and her friends don’t have playdates; they hang out. They request rides to coffee shops and retreat to her room to share secrets and laughter. Their communication is often through social media, filled with emojis and abbreviations. As a parent, I find myself on the sidelines, available but seldom consulted. It feels like the right moment to step back into their social lives, even if they might resist it.

Middle school is a whirlwind of changes for our daughters: physical changes, emotional shifts, and social dynamics like crushes, dances, and the constant urge to fit in. It’s a lot to manage. While my daughter receives love and support at home, she increasingly looks to her peers for guidance as she shapes her identity. When I hear about the lack of kindness among her classmates, I realize it’s time to re-engage in their social lives, no matter how awkward it may be.

We must teach our girls not only to avoid bullying but also to actively uplift one another. A true friend provides encouragement rather than succumbing to jealousy. She celebrates your accomplishments, speaks to you in private when necessary, and listens with empathy. Though competition may exist, it should inspire rather than diminish. In a genuine friendship, compassion trumps judgment, and our girls should never settle for less.

While this kind of behavior may seem typical for their age, it’s not acceptable. I know my daughter has likely said thoughtless things to others, and I don’t expect her to get along with everyone. However, I emphasize that being unkind is never an option. Sometimes silence is the best response. I want her to recognize the qualities of true friendship and to distance herself from those who undermine her confidence.

Girls don’t need to be their own worst critics—after all, there are plenty of others in the world who can fill that role. Instead, I encourage my daughter and her friends to be each other’s loudest cheerleaders, to embrace the strength and beauty of friendship, and to start with compassion.

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In summary, fostering genuine friendship among our daughters is essential as they grow into young women. We must guide them in recognizing true friends, embracing compassion, and supporting one another through the challenges of adolescence.