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Seeing Myself Through Their Eyes
Today, I found myself wishing for just one day to truly see myself as others do. My partner, Alex, often tells me I’m a fantastic wife and mom, but all I can see is the clutter that fills our home. Friends claim I’m empathetic and kind, but I’m always left feeling that I could be doing so much more. My kids think I’m entertaining, yet they seem to rush to their dad for fun when he gets home.
I’m far from perfect, and that reality weighs heavily on me. I can’t stand the way I look on a daily basis—my appearance is a chaotic mix of sweatpants and unkempt hair. My go-to jeans have seen better days, sagging and far from flattering. My purse is overflowing with unnecessary items, my calendar is crammed with tasks I can’t recall, and my mind is often scattered across a million different thoughts, leaving me paralyzed and unable to accomplish anything. And don’t even get me started on my hair; it’s a wild spectrum of purple that I color just to pretend it was intentional.
Living with lupus adds another layer to this struggle, making the messiness of life feel even more overwhelming. I feel like a walking disaster, and it’s disheartening.
I’ve reached a point where I no longer hide my imperfections. I don’t bother dressing up much anymore and have even abandoned makeup entirely. I often joke about my lack of organization, saying things like, “Girl, I’m just glad my kids are fed and we’re almost on time today!” My life feels like a constant replay of a trip over a sidewalk crack, where I overact my stumble to save face. I am this ongoing spectacle, and it bruises my self-esteem.
Why Do We Fixate on Our Flaws?
Why do we do this? Why do we fixate on our flaws instead of celebrating our strengths? Why is there this insatiable drive to do more and be better? Why can’t we embrace our imperfections as unique parts of who we are?
I’ve been this way since childhood—always striving to be the best. I want to excel, to feel attractive, smart, and healthy. Instead, I find myself consumed by feelings of inadequacy whenever I fall short. I notice every imperfection, every missed opportunity, and I begrudge myself for not being able to do it all.
Yet, amidst my self-doubt, I hear the affirmations from those around me: “You’re amazing!” “You’re intelligent!” “You’re beautiful!” But I struggle to believe them.
For just one day, I want to experience what it feels like to accept those compliments as truth. I want to glance in the mirror and think, “You’re beautiful.” I want to engage in conversations and genuinely feel smart. I yearn to contribute something meaningful that alleviates the loneliness of others. I wish for a day when I don’t lie in bed after a challenging day with the kids, contemplating how I can improve tomorrow. I want to hear my partner say, “You’re beautiful,” and not doubt his sincerity. I want to believe my kids when they call me the best mom ever, even if it’s just for making a simple grilled cheese sandwich.
For one day, I simply want to see myself through their eyes—imperfect but wonderful, just as I am. Maybe tomorrow will be that day.
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Conclusion
In summary, the quest for self-acceptance is a universal struggle. We often overlook the love and appreciation from those around us, fixating instead on our perceived flaws. Understanding that our imperfections are part of our unique beauty can help shift our perspective, allowing us to embrace who we truly are.