When I was growing up, summertime meant one simple directive from my parents: “Go outside and play.” Fast forward to today, and I find myself crafting elaborate schedules and shelling out thousands of dollars for activities that keep my kids engaged and, more importantly, out of my hair during the sweltering months.
The choices are endless: sculpting, swimming, surfing, sailing, science experiments, arts and crafts, gardening, gift making, gymnastics, Junior Guards, Jujitsu, soccer, tumbling, fencing, and even Irish dancing. While I want my kids to be well-rounded individuals, I can’t help but think: where are the camps that would actually help me? Sure, I appreciate a macaroni necklace, but let’s get real.
Then it hit me—what if there were Fantasy Camps designed specifically for moms? Here’s my proposed lineup, and I’m offering this idea free to anyone ready to bring it to life—just reserve two spots for me!
1. Absolutely, Mom
This week-long camp teaches children the magic of the phrase “Absolutely, Mom.” By the end of the week, they’ll understand that this is the golden response you crave when you ask them to do something. Expect fines for using any variation of “in a minute” or “but I did it last time.” Trust me, this camp is a fan favorite, so early registration is a must!
CAMP NOTES: Healthy snacks will be provided. Complaining kids will be sent next door to “Be Quiet and Eat It.”
2. Be Quiet and Eat It
This rigorous camp aims to instill gratitude in your child for the meals you prepare. They’ll learn about the effort involved in grocery shopping, cooking, and serving dinner. Camp motto: “It’s hot, it’s here, someone else made it, so just Be Quiet and Eat It.”
CAMP NOTES: Our companion camp, “Don’t You Dare Roll Your Eyes,” is recommended as a prerequisite.
3. Don’t You Dare Roll Your Eyes
This interactive camp focuses on the essentials of nonverbal communication. Extended sessions will cover eye-rolling, huffing, and dramatic exits.
CAMP NOTES: Campers struggling with progress might be reassigned to Absolutely, Mom.
4. Bathroom Etiquette 101
This extensive course covers everything from replacing toilet paper rolls to rinsing toothpaste from the sink. Your child will learn why bath mats exist and how to floss without creating a mess. And yes, flushing the toilet is included.
CAMP NOTES: Due to the comprehensive nature of this camp, it lasts two weeks. Enjoy a 10% discount if enrolled in Absolutely, Mom and Don’t You Dare Roll Your Eyes.
5. Pick It Up, Please!
On the first day, children will discover the reality that their belongings won’t magically disappear. This enlightening camp will teach them how to tackle clutter in various situations, from laundry to scattered toys.
CAMP NOTES: Kids usually resist this camp, which is why it fills up fast. Register now, and hold it for when a little extra motivation is needed.
6. Play Nice with Your Sibling
Essentially, this week is filled with gentle bribery and motivational tactics. Think of it as free child care!
CAMP NOTES: Good luck navigating this one!
NEW CAMPS ARE CONSTANTLY IN DEVELOPMENT, AND WE WELCOME CUSTOM REQUESTS! LET US TAILOR A CAMP JUST FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS!
SPECIAL NOTE: Due to popular demand, husbands can now enroll in any of our camps!
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In summary, these imaginative summer camps are designed to create a more harmonious home environment, allowing kids to learn valuable life skills while giving moms a much-needed break.