I often come across discussions—on this site and beyond—about the challenges of motherhood. Many articles highlight it as one of the toughest roles, describing it as thankless, exhausting, and overwhelmingly difficult. Yet, they frequently conclude with a familiar sentiment: that the author wouldn’t change their experience for anything, that their love for their children is boundless, and that despite the chaos, motherhood remains the greatest joy of their life.
But here’s something I’ve hesitated to voice until now: I would change it all. Deep down, I don’t enjoy being a mother. I adore my children, truly, but I write these thoughts anonymously to shield them from the darker feelings I harbor. The weight of these emotions has become increasingly burdensome. Since becoming a mother 12 years ago, I’ve wrestled with the nagging feeling that motherhood isn’t my calling.
It’s not the minor inconveniences—like sneaking away for a moment of privacy or driving to numerous sports events—that trouble me. It’s the realization that I preferred my life before parenthood. I was more content with who I was, and I often find myself longing for those simpler days.
My children are well cared for, with a loving father, doting grandparents, and supportive aunts and uncles. They are happy, well-adjusted kids. The issue lies with me; I feel as though I’m inhabiting a role I was never meant to take on, as if I’m missing some essential part of what it means to be a mother.
I’m unsure of what I hope to achieve by sharing this. I anticipate being labeled a bad parent or receiving suggestions to leave, but I don’t believe that would make things better. Guilt would still haunt me, whether I’m at home with my children or off on my own. I’d rather endure this struggle alone than risk dragging my family into the depths of despair.
At night, when my kids are peacefully asleep, I often reflect on the days before I became a mother—days that seemed to slip away too quickly.
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In summary, motherhood is a complex journey filled with love and challenges. While many celebrate their experiences, others may find themselves grappling with feelings of discontent. It’s crucial to recognize that each mother’s experience is unique, and it’s okay to voice those feelings.