At some point between welcoming my first child and now, I transformed into a rather unrefined version of myself. This realization hit me hard when a friend without kids looked at me in sheer horror. It made me reflect on how much things have shifted. Here’s a look at the top changes in my life post-parenthood:
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Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown stain on the floor was undoubtedly from chocolate, and I might have even licked it off without thinking twice.
After kids: Now, that same stain raises red flags—could it be something else? My first reaction? A deep sniff for confirmation. Either way, I’m far less likely to stop what I’m doing to clean it up. That can wait! -
Booger Management
Before kids: Boogers were gross, and I’d use a mountain of tissues just for my own nose. The thought of anyone picking their nose made me cringe and flee.
After kids: If a tissue is available, I might use it. If not, my hand will do just fine! Digging boogers out of a tiny nose is now routine, and I’ve accepted that any dark clothing I wear will be adorned with snot smudges. -
Vomit Catcher
Before kids: If someone looked like they might vomit, I would quickly distance myself, showcasing my utter lack of sympathy.
After kids: When my kids start to puke, my instinct is to catch it in my hands. It’s better than cleaning it from the carpet, right? -
Saliva as a Cleaning Agent
Before kids: My sister’s childhood saliva tactics horrified me. She’d pin us down and use her spit for some twisted fun.
After kids: Now, I’m just as guilty of using my saliva to wipe my kids’ faces. I swear it’s for their hygiene, not my amusement! -
Nail Care
Before kids: Long nails were simply trimmed.
After kids: Kid nails grow at breakneck speed, and keeping track of tiny clippers is a feat. It’s not long before I find myself munching on my baby’s 4-week-old nails! -
Sleeping Through Accidents
Before kids: Sleeping in urine? Only in a drunken stupor would that happen!
After kids: Get ready for the day when you wake up to a warm, unexpected sensation—thanks to your darling child. You’ll find yourself debating between changing the sheets or covering it with a towel and hoping for the best. -
Bathing with a Twist
Before kids: If there was an accident in the tub, I would drain and disinfect it immediately.
After kids: A little tinkle in the bath? No biggie! I just plop them in and look the other way—there are other little ones waiting for their turn! -
Ice Cream Preparation
Before kids: Watching my mom lick my ice cream cone drove me mad!
After kids: Now, I’ve got to lick the cone into shape to prevent it from dripping everywhere. It’s a public service, really! -
Eating Leftovers
Before kids: No way was I eating food someone else chewed.
After kids: If my child isn’t eating it, why waste good food? Down the hatch it goes! -
Diaper Smelling
Before kids: I’d never willingly inhale the aftermath of a trip to the bathroom.
After kids: Now? I find myself picking up my child and sniffing their diaper for confirmation of what’s lurking inside.
The lengths we go to for our children can be downright gross. My only hope is that one day my kids will understand this transformation—and perhaps experience it themselves!
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Summary: Parenthood brings a surprising array of changes, from our perceptions of cleanliness to our comfort with bodily functions. The transformation is both humorous and a little gross, but it’s all part of the journey of raising kids.