The Unvarnished Reality of Motherhood

self insemination kit

This morning was one of those moments. I completely lost my temper and found myself whisper-yelling, “WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON WITH EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE?!” It wasn’t my intention, but as soon as the words escaped, guilt washed over me like a tidal wave. The worst part? My tranquil morning bubble had burst.

Let’s rewind just a little bit. Fifteen minutes earlier, the kids were racing around the house, the scent of burnt toast lingered in the air, and the coffee maker had just chimed with a happy ding! My partner and I were doing a clumsy dance in the kitchen, trying to grab coffee cups, half-and-half, and spoons without getting in each other’s way.

Before chaos could erupt again, I declared my intent to use the bathroom, employing my authoritative Mom Voice and the I-Just-Woke-Up-Don’t-Mess-With-Me Glare to ensure I wouldn’t be disturbed. I turned on my heel and dashed to the other side of the house.

Once I shut the bathroom door, I took a big gulp of hot coffee and let out a sigh of relief. In that moment, I was in my own private oasis. Outside that door, morning pandemonium reigned, but inside, I was in a serene bubble known as The Bathroom—a place where, ideally, no one comes barging in unannounced.

But alas, this is not a civilized household.

As I peeled off my yoga pants and searched for my favorite towel, I found myself gulping down coffee like a ravenous mom—because hot coffee is worth more than gold. Just as I began to relax, I spotted tiny fingers frantically sliding under the door. Small voices erupted with questions while I tried to stay quiet. Maybe if I’m silent, they’ll think I’m not here?

“Mommy? Are you peeing? … Are you poooooping?” (laughter)

“Mom? MOM? … MOOOMMMMMM! What are you doing in there?!”

I was just trying to find a moment of peace in the midst of the morning madness. It dawned on me that my family likely believed I was up to some sort of wild shenanigans in the bathroom. Here’s what I imagined they thought was happening:

• I was being kidnapped.
• My decoder ring was giving me secret orders.
• A dinosaur had me in its jaws.
• I was indulging in a chocolate feast, and not sharing.
• I fell into the toilet.
• I was trapped in a horizontal position on the floor.
• I couldn’t remember where I was.
• I was plotting the most epic timeouts ever.
• I had hidden the TV remote.
• I was making my escape.
• Santa and the Tooth Fairy were seeking updates from me.
• I was on an important call, which naturally meant I needed to be interrupted.
• I was in contact with the Mother Ship.
• My feet were transforming into flippers for a swim in the tub.
• I was inspecting their toothbrushes to see if they actually brushed.
• I was plotting revenge on the entire household.
• I was flushing toy cars down the toilet.
• The shower had turned into a giant squirt gun.
• An octopus was teaching me French.
• I was hiding all the things.

So, there I sat, indulging in my coffee and a moment of solitude, planning my next steps—like washing my hair with my favorite scented shampoo—when suddenly, the door swung open. In walked my partner, followed closely by two overzealous children.

One little one wanted a hug (and to pull my hair) while the other had a barrage of questions about my sitting position, why I was drinking in the bathroom, and how my hair made me look like a bear. That’s when it hit me: I would never again enjoy a moment of bathroom solitude. I waved my white flag of surrender to the undeniable truth that moms simply never get private time in the bathroom.

For more insights on motherhood and the realities of parenting, check out our other posts like those on home insemination or visit Make a Mom for useful resources on fertility and planning for your family. Additionally, you can find excellent information on pregnancy through Healthline’s IVF guide.

Summary:

Motherhood is full of unexpected moments, especially when it comes to finding solitude. Whether it’s in the bathroom or during a quiet coffee break, the chaos of family life often interrupts our attempts at peace. Through humor and relatable experiences, we learn that privacy is a luxury that moms rarely get, and we embrace the beautiful chaos that comes with parenting.