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A Letter to My Expecting, Child-Free Self
Dear Wise Yet Uncertain Self,
As your due date draws near, I see you fretting over countless trivial matters. If only you could grasp that most of what you’re anxious about won’t matter at all. My advice? Hit the hay now and catch some quality z’s before the little one arrives. This may be your last opportunity for uninterrupted sleep for what feels like forever.
What’s that? You’re tossing and turning because pregnancy is uncomfortable? Just wait—soon you’ll find yourself wide awake at 3 AM, possibly drenched in baby spit, too afraid to shift a muscle lest you disturb your little “sleeps like a rock” bundle.
And while we’re on the subject of unhelpful worries, I see you’re consumed with thoughts about whether you might embarrass yourself during delivery. Let me assure you: when the moment comes, you won’t care if there’s a mess—your sole focus will be on getting that baby out faster than a teenager flipping through a fashion magazine.
Now, about that birthing book you’re perusing—put it down and grab a copy of What the Heck Do I Do with This Baby? because when labor hits, you’ll be begging for that epidural quicker than you can say “breathing technique.” The delivery is just one day, but parenting is a lifetime gig. Spend your time learning about raising kids instead of memorizing breathing patterns that won’t help with the pain but might come in handy for your first post-baby bathroom visit.
Right now, you might feel like you’re a parenting expert, but trust me—once the baby arrives, you’ll understand just how little you know. And here’s a heads-up: Karma can be a real kick in the pants. For every judgment you pass on another mom’s choices, you’ll find yourself grappling with your own guilt before long. So go ahead and criticize that friend who leaves her kids at daycare for a breather; soon enough, you’ll wish they had weekend hours too. And remember that woman you spotted in the grocery store who looked a bit frazzled? Enjoy your youthful looks while they last—Karma is ready to strike and change that!
If you’re feeling guilty about indulging in dessert, have that extra slice of cheesecake now—because trust me, it’s not just your belly that’s growing. You’re not going to be one of those fortunate women who shed pounds while breastfeeding. Instead, you’ll be that mom whose kid shows up to preschool mismatched and maybe a bit messy, while you’re rocking a comfy outfit that would make your grandmother proud. The idea of a leisurely shower will become as mythical as monkeys serving cocktails on a tropical beach.
After your little one arrives, between the chaos of caring for them, realizing how clueless your partner can be, and navigating those postpartum emotions, you may find yourself on birth control like it’s candy. But don’t be surprised when a late-night sip of boxed wine leads to a repeat performance.
The only thing that will help you through stretch marks, spit-up, and your post-baby body blues is a love you can’t even imagine right now. So buckle up, hold onto your mom jeans, and try to maintain your bladder control while you still can—this parenting journey is just getting started. Let go of judgments and embrace the support of fellow moms; you’ll need it once you realize how little you truly know.
With love,
Your Future Self