As a child, I lived in constant fear that my mother would vanish or die. Each morning as I headed off to school, anxiety gripped me at the thought of returning to an empty home. I was obsessively aware of my mother’s whereabouts, turning down invitations for sleepovers and shunning any distractions that might divert my attention from her. I often found myself curled up on her couch or sleeping on the floor of my sister’s room, waking frequently to check if she was still breathing, ensuring she was still there.
Academically, I struggled; I had difficulty with time management and recalling the days of the week or months of the year. My performance in school was subpar, and it wasn’t until I took my first standardized test in middle school that the concerns about my capabilities took a clear form. I was referred for additional testing with a specialist named Dr. Greene, enduring long sessions that stretched over a month. Eventually, I realized I had not succeeded in Dr. Greene’s assessment or the initial standardized test. Why hadn’t anyone explained this to me?
Despite my struggles, I couldn’t comprehend how questions about geography or historical figures related to my pervasive fears. How could knowing facts about Genghis Khan or the sunset help them understand my anxiety and attachment to my mother? It dawned on me: they were assessing me for the wrong reasons.
The Misunderstanding of Intelligence
The issue wasn’t my cognitive abilities; it was my emotional state. Yet, they were testing my intelligence, expecting me to provide answers to questions I hadn’t even been taught. Did other children know these facts? Was I simply absent on the days these lessons took place, or was there a type of intelligence I was missing? I feared that others would discover my lack of knowledge. As I internalized the belief that I should already understand everything, I blocked out the possibility of learning, leading me to feel fundamentally flawed.
Though I wasn’t informed about what was wrong, I sensed it was related to my intellect. Mortified at the thought of being perceived as unintelligent, I became determined to hide my shortcomings. I immersed myself in humor, reading every issue of a comic magazine to master its satirical nuances, knowing that being funny could be my shield against my internal struggles.
Every evaluation I undertook resulted in significant changes: I repeated sixth grade, was placed in a lower-tier class, and underwent countless tests for various conditions, all in pursuit of a vague learning disability I never fully understood. My perception of the term “disability” solidified as I felt internally defective, wishing my struggles were physical and visible, like a wheelchair or hearing aids, so that others might comprehend my limitations and lower their expectations.
Despite my deep-seated belief that I was intellectually impaired, I eventually accepted this notion as truth. I doubted everything I knew, even my own feelings, leading to a pervasive sense of mistrust regarding my experiences. I felt like a flaw in the grand scheme of things, a misfit in a world that demanded right answers to every question.
The Flawed Nature of Testing Intelligence
Historically, intelligence testing has been at odds with its intended purpose. Alfred Binet, a French psychologist, developed the first intelligence test in 1905 to identify students needing alternative educational support. He argued that intelligence was not fixed and should take environmental factors into account. Unfortunately, when his test reached America, it was misappropriated for ranking and categorizing children, which was the opposite of his intention.
H.H. Goddard brought Binet’s work to the U.S. and, influenced by eugenics, redefined test results to label individuals negatively. This led to a dangerous social agenda, promoting the idea of a superior race and suggesting that those who scored poorly should be marginalized. Lewis Terman later revised Binet’s test, framing it as a legitimate measure of intelligence, thus perpetuating the notion of an American elite based on test scores. This movement resulted in standardized testing becoming the foundation for educational advancement and societal categorization.
Today, standardized testing governs our educational trajectories, with acceptance into colleges heavily reliant on test scores. However, these tests fail to account for individual circumstances—be it personal trauma or emotional distress. They measure how well someone can perform in a contrived environment rather than offering an accurate representation of their knowledge or capabilities.
Despite taking over twenty-five IQ tests between the ages of eleven and eighteen, I didn’t receive a proper diagnosis of my panic disorder until I was twenty-five. This revelation provided some relief but also reinforced my long-standing belief of being unintelligent. My issues were conditional, yet standardized tests could not accommodate that reality. Consequently, the educational system defined my worth based on flawed assessments, impacting my self-esteem and shaping my life choices.
Although I have always believed in the diversity of intelligence, my experiences led me to equate being smart with simply knowing facts. I was unaware of the richness of other forms of knowledge. While I couldn’t recite historical dates or geographical coordinates, I understood fear and intuition on a profound level.
In the end, true intelligence encompasses more than just factual knowledge; it recognizes the complexity of human experience and emotion. If you’re interested in exploring more about home insemination and related topics, check out our other posts, such as this one.
Summary
Intelligence is often misconceived as a mere accumulation of facts and figures. The narrative of one individual illustrates how standardized tests failed to capture the true essence of intelligence, focusing instead on metrics that ignored emotional and environmental factors. This flawed system not only misclassified people but also deeply affected their self-perception and life outcomes. A deeper understanding of intelligence recognizes the multifaceted nature of human experience, including emotional intelligence and intuition, which are equally important.