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Enhancing Happiness by Recognizing Unhappiness
It may seem simple, but acknowledging others’ feelings can be surprisingly challenging. I was blissfully unaware of how frequently I contradicted people’s expressions of their emotions until I made a conscious effort to stop. Phrases like, “You always enjoy this!” or “You should be excited about this news!” rolled off my tongue too easily.
Just yesterday, I had a chance to put this lesson into practice during a small but potentially frustrating moment. With all the recent snowfall, I wanted my younger daughter, Lily, to wear her snow boots to school. However, she was adamant about wearing her sneakers instead. Why is it that kids often resist wearing what’s appropriate? As I sensed her growing agitation, I realized that without my new approach, I would typically respond with dismissive comments like, “Those boots aren’t uncomfortable,” or “You wore them just fine last time.”
Instead, our exchange went differently:
Lily: “I don’t want to wear those boots. They don’t feel comfy.”
Me: “I understand you’d prefer not to wear the boots, but it’s wet and snowy outside.”
Lily: “I don’t want to wear the boots.”
Me: “You’d rather wear your sneakers.”
Lily: “I don’t want to carry my sneakers in a bag; I want to wear them.”
Me: “You just don’t feel like wearing these boots today! They aren’t as comfortable for the long walk to school.”
Surprisingly, she calmly put on the boots after that. When others dismiss my feelings, I find myself repeating my concerns, hoping they’ll acknowledge what I’m experiencing. Experts suggest that ignoring negative emotions only amplifies them, while recognizing them can pave the way for positivity to return. That certainly seemed to be the case here. Plus, I felt much more at ease by responding with understanding.
This principle applies just as much to adults. Recently, I tackled a significant household project, which I admit I handled with little grace. My partner, Jake, noticed my simmering frustration and, just before I began the most daunting part, commented, “This doesn’t look too tough.” That couldn’t have been more off-base! He likely thought he was being supportive, but that statement infuriated me. Acknowledging my feelings with something like, “Wow, this looks like a big job; it’s impressive that you’re taking this on,” would have been far more effective. A little praise never hurts!
I’ve also found that when my feelings are dismissed, I tend to whine or repeat myself, believing my emotions haven’t been recognized. For instance, even if Jake doesn’t want to discuss my email frustrations and I’m not particularly keen on it either, I still need to hear, “That must be really annoying,” before I can move on.
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In summary, acknowledging others’ feelings can foster understanding and calmness, whether in parenting or adult interactions. By validating emotions rather than dismissing them, we create an environment where happiness can flourish.