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Parenting
By Emily Carter
Updated: Aug. 19, 2015
Originally Published: Nov. 23, 2014
As our comprehension of ADHD has evolved thanks to breakthroughs in neuroscience, it’s become evident that individuals with this condition—like my friend Sam—are not simply “lazy.” Brain imaging shows that certain regions of the ADHD brain are underdeveloped, particularly those linked to executive functions such as planning, prioritizing, focus, and emotional regulation. For someone grappling with ADHD, concentrating on daily tasks is far more challenging than it is for others. While their outward behavior may appear lethargic, internally, they are often exerting significant effort.
Understanding Others
We recognize that everyone is unique. Some individuals may become easily stressed, while others have specific interests in music or hobbies. I know there are activities I love—like jogging in the rain—that others might not see as enjoyable. However, it’s difficult to fully grasp the notion that someone else’s internal experiences could be vastly different from our own. Consider a moment when a friend confided in you about feeling sad or overwhelmed. If you felt you could relate, it was likely because you were referencing your own similar experiences.
Now picture your friend approaching you and saying, “Today, I feel all fuzzy.” “Uh, what does fuzzy mean?” you might inquire. “It’s a term I created for what I’m feeling right now,” she replies. This doesn’t help at all—you’re at a loss for understanding her emotion because you can’t connect it to your own experiences, leaving you without a context to empathize with her.
The Psychology of Empathy
Why is it challenging to comprehend experiences we haven’t encountered ourselves? Research in empathy’s psychology and neuroscience indicates that we often relate to others by “simulating”: envisioning how we might feel or respond in their scenario. This simulation occurs automatically in our brains, often without us even realizing it.
Although this method of empathy can be quite effective, it has its limitations. We can’t simulate experiences we haven’t had, which leads us to mistakenly assume that others are much more similar to us than they actually are.
Are You Really That Different from Me?
There’s compelling evidence to suggest that people might have experiences that are fundamentally different from yours. Here are a few examples:
- Mental Imagery Variability: Some individuals possess vivid mental imagery, while others may be completely unable to visualize images in their minds. Research from the late 1800s by Francis Galton reveals that this capacity differs significantly among people. Before this was understood, there was considerable debate about whether “visual imagination” was a genuine phenomenon or merely a figure of speech, with each side convinced of their stance.
- Color Perception: Some individuals can be colorblind for years without realizing it. You might be experiencing colors in a way that differs from most people without even knowing it.
- Sense of Smell: It’s possible to lack a sense of smell without being aware that others are experiencing something completely different. One Quora user described their life believing they had a sense of smell because their behavior suggested as much, not realizing until much later that they had never truly experienced it.
- Sexual Attraction: For many, sexual desire is an intrinsic part of life, but surveys indicate that about 1% of the population identifies as asexual, meaning they feel no sexual attraction whatsoever.
The Pitfall of Misunderstanding Others
While our ability to empathize by imagining ourselves in someone else’s position is generally beneficial, issues can arise when we mistakenly believe we understand someone but don’t. This is particularly evident in the ADHD context—when a person with ADHD struggles to complete tasks, we may assume they are feeling the same as we would during a day of low motivation. When their challenges appear to exceed normal procrastination, the conclusion often drawn is “they’re just being lazy.” It’s hard to fathom that for them, accomplishing tasks could be significantly more daunting.
This misunderstanding can contribute to a lack of empathy for various mental health challenges. I’ve never faced severe depression, and for a long time, I thought it was simply a more intense and prolonged version of the sadness I’ve experienced. However, after reading a compelling blog post that explained depression as more about the absence of feeling than just sadness, I realized my understanding was limited. This insight helped me grasp that I didn’t truly understand depression, which ironically led to a deeper understanding.
This issue extends beyond mental health—it also impacts our daily interactions. When Bob feels hurt by something Anna says, she might be taken aback, unable to understand why her words bothered him. Assuming Bob is being unreasonable, Anna might confront him, leading to an argument. Or, in a relationship, Anna may feel Bob isn’t expressing his thoughts and emotions as openly as she does, leading her to think he doesn’t care. In truth, Bob may simply find it challenging to open up. Many everyday conflicts could be alleviated if we considered that others might be navigating experiences vastly different from our own.
Enhancing Your Connection with Others
Former U.S. defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld differentiated between “known unknowns”—things we know we don’t know—and “unknown unknowns”—things we don’t even realize we don’t know. This distinction is crucial in understanding others, as there are countless unknown unknowns in our interactions. It’s nearly impossible to envision an experience you’ve never had, but we can transform these unknown unknowns into known unknowns by reminding ourselves that others may possess perspectives and feelings that are entirely foreign to us.
So, the next time you find yourself judging someone or assuming you understand their feelings, pause and ask yourself: Could they be experiencing something entirely different from me? Or better yet, ask them.
This article was originally published on November 23, 2014. For more engaging content, consider reading about other aspects of home insemination on our blog, including insights found at this link. You can also explore essential resources on pregnancy and home insemination at Make a Mom and UCSF.
Summary
Understanding others’ experiences can be challenging, as we often rely on our own feelings to empathize. However, this can lead to misunderstandings, particularly with conditions like ADHD or in everyday relationships. Recognizing the uniqueness of each person’s experience is crucial for fostering empathy and improving communication.