My daughter, Emma, is currently in 7th grade at a cozy private school where many of her classmates have been around since kindergarten. While they may not all be close friends, overt bullying is rare. However, the unkindness manifests in more subtle ways.
At the start of the school year, Emma began sharing stories about some of the remarks being tossed around the classroom, especially among the girls. The comments were often biting, such as:
- “Why are you wearing those leggings?”
- “What did you do with your hair? Just, no.”
- “Is that a smell? Don’t you use deodorant? Yikes.”
These remarks are often spoken in a mocking tone and are easily heard by others—whether in class before the bell rings, in the hallways during transitions, or in small lunch groups. It’s one thing to publicly criticize someone’s appearance or hygiene, but what troubles me most is that Emma sometimes considers those making these comments to be her friends.
This situation prompts me to wonder: Do our daughters truly understand what it means to be a friend?
I recall when Emma was younger and I facilitated her playdates. When disputes arose over toys, I guided the girls on taking turns. If someone was unkind, we discussed feelings and how to express ourselves more kindly. We practiced sharing without distractions. By the end of those two-hour gatherings, the children would leave with smiles and hugs. It seemed so simple.
Now, Emma and her friends no longer have playdates; they simply hang out. They request rides to trendy cafés and retreat to her room, sharing whispers and giggles. Their lives are intricately woven through platforms like Instagram and Snapchat, filled with emojis and abbreviations. As a parent, I find myself mostly on the sidelines—available yet rarely engaged. Yet, I feel this is the critical time when she needs guidance the most.
Middle school is a whirlwind of changes and challenges for our daughters: physical changes, social pressures, crushes, school events, the fear of exclusion, constant connectivity, heavier homework loads, and various extracurricular activities. It’s a lot for them to juggle.
At home, Emma enjoys love and structure, but she increasingly turns to her peers for direction as she navigates her identity. Hearing about the lack of empathy among her classmates makes me realize it’s time to re-enter their social lives—even if it feels awkward.
Teaching our daughters to avoid bullying and to speak up against unkindness is an essential first step, but we must go further. We must instill the importance of uplifting one another daily. A true friend supports rather than succumbs to jealousy. She provides encouragement instead of negativity. A true friend takes you aside privately to address something sensitive rather than calling you out publicly. She listens openly. Although competition might exist, it should inspire rather than belittle. They should foster confidence, embrace differences, and celebrate each other’s creativity. In true friendships, compassion should always triumph over judgment. Our girls deserve nothing less.
I recognize that such behavior is not unusual at this age, but that doesn’t excuse it. I know Emma may have unintentionally said hurtful things to others at times. I don’t expect her to get along with everyone, but I emphasize that kindness is non-negotiable. If she can’t say something nice, it’s often better to remain silent. I want her to learn what it means to be a good friend, to recognize genuine friendships, and to step away from those who undermine her confidence.
There are enough people in the world ready to tear them down; girls don’t need to add to that negativity. Instead, I want to inspire Emma and her friends to be each other’s greatest supporters, to embrace the beauty of friendship, and to lead with compassion. For more insights on building supportive relationships, check out this blog post on home insemination kit. It’s important for our daughters to know they can find strength in each other.
In summary, let’s guide our daughters toward understanding the true essence of friendship, emphasizing support, compassion, and mutual respect. By encouraging positive interactions, we can help them foster relationships that uplift rather than diminish.