Three years back, my eldest daughter transitioned into the realm of tweendom without much notice from me. Perhaps I was preoccupied with my youngest’s diaper change or caught up at a doctor’s appointment. Whatever the reason, by the time I realized it, I was already behind the curve. I dove into books about raising tween girls, scoured parenting blogs for support and tips, and sought advice from friends—all in a quest to develop a parenting approach that resonated with both of us.
Fortunately, I’ve gathered some valuable insights along the way, which I’m eager to share with those preparing to navigate the tween years. Here’s what I’ve learned about raising a tween girl:
1. She is her own person.
In middle school, I faced bullying from girls I thought were my friends, which left a mark on my self-esteem. When my daughter shares her experiences with mean girls, I often recall my own painful memories. However, I need to remember that she has her individual emotions, reactions, and strengths. My role is to provide her with love and support as she faces her own challenges.
2. Be present.
I’m the kind of mom who often enters her room, perching on the edge of her bed and asking about her day. While sometimes she opens up, other times, she remains quiet. I’m learning to be there for her, ready to listen whenever she feels like talking. This might mean pausing my work when she approaches or giving her sister some TV time for a brief chat. It’s essential to create an open space while making it clear that I’m genuinely interested in her feelings.
3. Set boundaries.
Living with a tween means enduring a constant stream of requests: “Can I watch that movie?” or “Can I dye my hair?” It’s tempting to say yes to avoid the ensuing drama, but I often hold firm. As her social life and emotions fluctuate, it’s crucial for her to have boundaries that make her feel secure. She might not appreciate it now, but I believe she’ll come to thank me in the future.
4. Flexibility is key.
While boundaries are important, so is adaptability. My daughter is growing up, and it’s time to adjust our rules. For instance, allowing her to stay up a bit later or go out with friends on weekends can help her develop responsibility. These small freedoms build her confidence and lay the groundwork for trust between us, which will be invaluable as she approaches her teenage years.
5. Understand her emotions.
When I explain rules, her reactions can be dramatic. I’ve learned that her emotional responses are often driven by hormones, and they can get the best of her. Instead of reacting in anger when she becomes rude, I try to take a step back and revisit the conversation once we’ve both calmed down.
6. Show your love openly.
At this stage, she’s navigating a whirlwind of changes—from her appearance to academic pressures. She needs constant reassurance that she is loved, regardless of how she feels about herself. It’s an effective strategy for defusing any potential arguments, such as when she wants to wear a questionable outfit to a party. A simple “I love you” can go a long way, even when the answer is a firm no.
As I finally get the hang of parenting a tween, I face the reality that she’ll soon be 13. Am I fully prepared for the teenage years? Maybe not, but at least I’m more aware this time around.
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Summary
Raising a tween girl presents unique challenges and opportunities for growth. It’s important to recognize her individuality, be present and available, set boundaries while allowing flexibility, understand her emotional responses, and express love consistently. As you navigate these years, remember that this journey is as much about your growth as it is about hers.