Updated: January 22, 2016
Originally Published: March 20, 2014
Before you throw in the towel on family dinners and resort to cereal for every meal, remember that your toddler’s behavior may just reflect their understanding of the unique rules of dining etiquette. Here’s a playful take on how they navigate the dinner table.
- Dress Down – Make sure to show your individuality by arriving at the table without at least one item of clothing—be it a sock, shoe, or even pants. Bonus points if you add extra stickers for a special occasion.
- Invite a Friend – Don’t forget to bring a toy along. If they resist, hold your favorite toy hostage until they agree to let your friend join.
- Exercise Patience – Wait until everyone is settled before you pick a new spot or decide to sit in someone’s lap.
- Posture Matters – You’ll know you’re sitting straight enough when you find yourself standing on your chair.
- Order Early – Start your meal requests well before dinner time and keep the orders coming until you’re tucked into bed.
- Napkin No-No – Napkins belong on the floor, so crumple yours up and toss it aside. If it’s a fancy meal, let it gracefully drift down.
- Timing is Key – As soon as everyone’s food arrives, make a dash for the bathroom.
- Skip the Reaching – Crawling across the table is a much more effective way to get what you want.
- Utensil Mastery – Hold your spoon, fork, or spork like a drumstick and bang it on the table for maximum noise.
- Food Evaluation – Loudly exclaim how much better everyone else’s food looks, and kindly request bites until you feel justified taking some by force.
- Negotiation Skills – If you manage to eat most of your meal, don’t forget to negotiate for dessert, extra playtime, or even a late bedtime.
- Face Cleaning Techniques – Use your arm to wipe your face clean, but let your nose run freely.
- One Bite Wonder – Attempt to eat your entire meal in just one bite. If it’s not to your liking, feel free to spit it out wherever you like.
- Mouth Open, Always – Eating with your mouth open ensures everyone knows you’re enjoying your food.
- Under-the-Table Fun – If you lose a utensil, toss it under the table and create a game of hide and seek.
- Speed Eating – You either eat at breakneck speed or not at all—there’s no in between.
- Food Presentation – Lift your spoon or fork to your mouth instead of bending down. This way, you’re more likely to spill.
- Food Flinging – Use your utensils to gesture dramatically; it’s a clever way to scatter food.
- Send Back a Course – No meal is perfect, so throw, kick, or launch at least one item off your plate.
- Request More – Seven courses? Just a snack! You should only need one bite of each.
- Self-Butter – Reject offers for help and apply your own butter—ketchup is a suitable substitute!
- Spill for Friends – Make sure to spill half your drink, as your imaginary pet will appreciate it.
- Food Preservation – Ask someone to save your leftovers, but don’t ever plan to eat them later.
- Under the Table – When you’re done eating, make a getaway and hide beneath it, far from adult reach.
- Chef Compliments – Insist that the chef (most likely your mom, or dad on a full moon) is the only one who can hold you—preferably forever.
Adhering to these quirky rules gives you hope that your toddler will one day embrace common dining etiquette. Until that day comes, enjoy sneaking in some treats while they dream peacefully.
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Summary
This light-hearted guide to toddler etiquette at the dinner table showcases the humorous dynamics of family meals. These unwritten rules remind us that little ones are simply navigating their world with creativity and enthusiasm.