Updated: Aug. 26, 2019
Originally Published: April 10, 2014
One of the toughest parts of parenting is dealing with the frustration that arises when our children don’t meet our expectations. As parents—especially mothers—we often set high standards for ourselves and our kids. We feel the weight of trying to shape them into responsible, respectful, and kind individuals.
Whether it’s teaching basic manners, following simple instructions, or even the importance of brushing their teeth, our attempts to “control” their behavior can sometimes backfire. Despite our endless encouragement, explanations, and reminders, they may still fail to behave as we wish.
So why does this happen? The hard truth, which can be difficult for many parents to accept, is that we don’t have as much control over our children as we think. They are unique individuals with their own personalities, and ultimately, they will make their own choices. While we can influence them, we cannot dictate who they become.
Understanding the limits of our control can help reduce the stress that often accompanies parenting. What can we control? Primarily, our own actions and attitudes. We can establish boundaries, decide what behaviors we will accept, and enforce the consequences when those boundaries are crossed. We can assert these limits, but it’s up to our children to respect them.
Consider a 13-year-old girl who still refuses to brush her teeth. She might finally comply just to stop her mom’s nagging, but she hasn’t truly grasped the importance of dental hygiene. Now picture a scenario where, instead of lecturing, her mom lets her go to school with bad breath, experiencing the natural social consequences of her choice.
This approach may sound harsh, but as parents, we often want to shield our children from discomfort, which leads us to excessive teaching. However, which method do you think would be more effective in motivating her to take responsibility: her mom’s nagging or the embarrassment of her peers?
As parents, it’s vital to recognize what we can control and allow our children to face the natural consequences of their actions. No more lecturing or criticizing—let’s respect our children’s ability to make choices we don’t always agree with, and respond appropriately by setting limits and following through.
Here are some strategies to help you shift away from the cycle of nagging:
- Take a Breather Before You Lecture: When you feel frustration rising, pause and take a breath. This moment between your child’s behavior and your response is crucial. By cultivating awareness, you can make more thoughtful decisions, allowing your child to learn from their choices rather than reacting emotionally.
- Focus on Yourself Instead of Your Child: Shift your attention from what your child should do to what you can do. Ask yourself challenging questions: “What would a responsible parent do here? What options do I have? Am I ready to accept the consequences of my choice?”
- Consider What Your Child Truly Needs: Different ages and temperaments bring different needs. Taking time to evaluate these aspects helps clarify what your child requires and what your responsibilities are.
- Recognize Boundaries: Understanding where you end and your child begins is crucial. Often, we unintentionally cross these lines. View your child as a unique individual separate from yourself. It’s equally important to understand your own needs and triggers to maintain healthy emotional boundaries.
By stepping back and allowing our children to make their own decisions, we free them to develop self-awareness and independence. Though it may seem counterintuitive, reducing control can lead to a more peaceful day for everyone.
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In summary, embracing your role as a parent means recognizing the limits of your control and allowing your child to experience the natural consequences of their choices. This approach not only fosters independence but also alleviates the constant cycle of nagging.