Parenting: The Reality Check
By Alex Turner
Updated: Feb. 10, 2016
Originally Published: July 15, 2014
The most clear-cut reason I can’t bear a child is simple: I lack a uterus, vagina, and all the necessary anatomical components. Fallopian tubes, perhaps? But in some strange twist of fate, if I were to develop those required parts, I’m confident I could manage the delivery—I could definitely push a baby out.
That might sound a bit naive, and I recognize that women often take immense pride in the strength it takes to give birth. However, having been an emotional bystander to the process twice, it seems to me that labor pales in comparison to the challenges of pregnancy itself. And that’s where men truly fall short: we can’t handle the journey of pregnancy. Most of us are equipped to endure pain in short bursts; it’s like running a sprint, where the finish line is in sight, making it bearable. But men simply aren’t built to withstand the marathon of nausea, fatigue, unexpected rashes, and emotional upheaval. We excel in physical strength, but long-term discomfort and sporadic crying? Forget it, we’re out.
I know some women genuinely enjoy being pregnant, exclaiming, “Oh, it’s such a magical experience!” but I suspect they are in the minority. For many women, pregnancy can feel like a long, winding drive through the Italian countryside in a poorly ventilated, vintage station wagon. The reality is that it’s often more akin to experiencing severe food poisoning for six months, followed by three months of feeling bloated, wearing stretchy pants, and dealing with spontaneous tears over pizza. I love pizza and could probably manage the tears, but it’s those initial six months that seem uniquely bearable for women. It’s their inherent qualities of patience, hope, and unwavering determination that keep humanity thriving. Once a woman becomes pregnant, it seems her brain shifts focus from facts and memories to emotional resilience. This phenomenon is often referred to as “Mommy Brain.”
When my partner was pregnant, she was unwell for five continuous months. I was in disbelief. “So you’ve felt nauseous and utterly exhausted for two months straight, and even after throwing up, you still don’t feel better?” “Yes,” she responded, in that way that made it clear any further conversation would not end well for me.
During my younger years, when I had a hangover, I’d force myself to vomit. It almost felt like a rite of passage—almost. I caught the stomach flu twice last year. On one occasion, my partner had it too, and while I was in bed unable to even turn my head, she was the one taking care of the kids.
Throw up.
Open a cheese stick.
Rest a bit.
Bring me some water.
Roll her eyes at my weakness.
Vomit.
Open a juice box… Repeat.
I’m not proud of it, but I have no doubt that after just 48 hours of pregnancy, I would be rushing to the emergency room convinced that what I held inside me wasn’t a fetus but a dangerous alien organism. I might even contemplate leaping off a mountain, clutching a malfunctioning hang glider while shouting, “It’s… not… worth it…”
Clearly, I’m in awe of the strength women exhibit. But let’s not get too comfortable, ladies. Just because I’m amazed by your ability to endure the trials of carrying a human life doesn’t mean I can’t dominate you in a quick game of basketball (game length: 7 minutes max).
For more insights into the world of home insemination, check out this informative blog post. And if you’re looking for further information on pregnancy and infertility, the CDC is a fantastic resource.
In conclusion, while men may be impressed by the remarkable strength of women during pregnancy, we are clearly not equipped to experience the full journey of bringing life into the world, from conception to delivery. If you’re interested in exploring home insemination, Make a Mom is an authority worth checking out for all your needs.