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When Did It Become Acceptable to Ignore RSVPs?
By Jamie Taylor
Updated: Dec. 18, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 30, 2014
Let’s face it: modern etiquette is in freefall. Blame smartphones, social media, or the tech-savvy Millennials who seem glued to their devices.
During our last gathering, we extended invitations to 30 guests. Just two responded right away to decline (they were away). Out of the remaining 28, 13 let us know the day before that they’d be attending, while four informed us they wouldn’t. Four more texted the morning of the event to confirm they were coming, and one even messaged during the party to say, “Hey, I can’t make it,” as if he were escaping from a secret lair and suddenly lost motivation. The rest? Crickets. Maybe they’ve vanished from the face of the earth.
This situation drives me absolutely bonkers. When I host, I tidy up, stash away embarrassing items (like that prescription I can’t find for days), and scrub every surface in sight. I even wash the shower curtain because, apparently, having something that resembles chocolate smudged on it is unacceptable.
But the most daunting task is planning and preparing food. I’ve ended up with entire hams leftover, ornate platters of food, and even stale holiday cookies. I’ve also run out of snacks within the first hour because suddenly, everyone decided that my party was the place to be. I’ve accepted this: this is the new norm for socializing—entertaining has transformed into a flash-mob affair.
So what’s a host to do? We still cherish our friends, even if they can’t commit to a Saturday plan on a Tuesday (truth be told, I often can’t either!). Yet, it would be nice to know how many people are actually showing up. The saddest sight? A lonely turducken consumed alone for nine dinners straight.
To gain some insight, I reached out to Mia Thompson, a seasoned cook and author of The Joy of Gathering. Mia possesses a relaxed and cheerful approach to hosting—something I, as a self-declared etiquette enthusiast, could learn from.
I asked her to help me create a better strategy for modern entertaining.
“First off,” she said, “you should work on increasing your RSVPs. I achieve high response and attendance by making my invitations enticing. I hype up the event as if there are going to be acrobats and a petting zoo. Set those expectations high! It’s like crafting a captivating tweet—not in brevity, but in engaging storytelling.” (I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant there.) “Paint a vivid picture. Include details like the menu, the wine’s hue, and that it’s sparkling. Capture their imagination, even if it’s a tad exaggerated.”
Got it: sparkling wine and circus acts! But what about food prep? What do I do with leftover turducken?
“Out with the fancy fish, in with the sausages,” she replied. “The dinner parties I hosted in my twenties simply don’t work anymore. Just recently, a dinner meant for six soufflés expanded to 13 guests an hour before we sat down. I quickly biked to the butcher for sausages. We still made the soufflés, and they were devoured quickly—thank goodness for the sausages! I now focus on meals that freeze well if there are leftovers, like braises or picnic-style offerings—think charcuterie, cheese, and bread.”
So, note to self: stock up on sausages, hams, and other easy-to-prepare snacks. Perhaps I’ll host a pulled-pork gathering!
Finally, I asked Mia how to cope with the emotional strain of this modern RSVP dilemma. She paused thoughtfully and responded, “If you can’t handle the frustration of last-minute RSVPs, you might need to reassess your outlook—life’s little bumps can throw you off balance. If you maintain a positive attitude, others might follow suit.”
This article was originally published on Sep. 30, 2014.
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In summary, navigating modern RSVP etiquette can be frustrating, but with a little creativity and preparation, we can continue to enjoy the company of friends and family.