By: Mia Jensen
Updated: Oct. 25, 2019
Originally Published: Oct. 17, 2014
Every parenting guide you read states, “The average woman gains 25 lbs or less during her pregnancy.” But then you flip through a glossy magazine and see the stunning figures of celebrities like Lila James and Tara Ellis, who claim they simply nursed their babies and took brisk walks to reclaim their pre-baby figures. After a moment of intense frustration (and maybe a devil dog or two), you might wonder how to get your body back. It can feel as tough (and painful) as labor itself, but with these 12 easy steps, you can make other moms at the playgroup green with envy in no time!
Step 1: Start with Extra Weight.
The only way to boast about losing 75 lbs is to gain that weight first.
Step 2: Sign Up for a Gym Membership.
Finding motivation to attend spin classes or try lunge-squats can feel impossible when just thinking about sitting down makes you cringe. The reality is, you might never find the time or energy to go regularly. But hey, just walking to the registration desk burns a few calories—once!
Step 3: Cut Out Junk Food.
It’s time to stop indulging in the not-so-healthy cravings you had during pregnancy. No more slathering cream cheese on everything or smashing candy bars into your breakfast!
Step 4: Breastfeed.
The calories from those cream cheese indulgences will be literally drained away by your hungry little one.
Step 5: Don’t Establish a Routine for Your Baby.
After weeks of disrupted sleep, finding your way to the fridge will feel like a Herculean task.
Step 6: Embrace the “Arm’s Reach” Diet.
When your baby dozes off on your lap, you’ll find yourself only able to eat snacks within arm’s reach. One day it might be stale popcorn, and another day it could be vitamin water. Either way, you’ll shed those pounds!
Step 7: Wait to Assemble Baby Furniture.
Setting up a nursery can be more complicated than disarming a bomb! The twisting and turning can work wonders for your waistline.
Step 8: Avoid Buying New Clothes.
Oprah may not approve, but squeezing into your old jeans will motivate you more than anything else. Just try to resist wearing maternity pants forever.
Step 9: Use a Rubber Band on Your Wrist.
Whenever you crave unhealthy snacks, stretch that rubber band. The little headache you get might just keep those cravings at bay.
Step 10: Hang Out with Fit Friends.
Surround yourself with friends who run marathons. You’ll find yourself getting active just to keep up, even if it’s just cheering them on while enjoying a celebratory drink!
Step 11: Spend Time with Unhealthy Friends.
Perhaps someone with a cold or flu? When your little one brings home a bug, you’ll find that the weight just falls off when you can barely eat.
And if all else fails…
Step 12: Have Another Baby.
Sure, it won’t help you lose the baby weight, but hey, you can revisit those cream cheese breakfasts and slip back into elastic pants!
For more tips on motherhood and pregnancy, check out this excellent resource from the CDC. And if you’re interested in fertility solutions, visit our friends at Make A Mom. For more in-depth information about home insemination, you can find useful insights at Intracervical Insemination.
Summary: This guide offers a humorous take on the challenges of losing baby weight with playful steps that mix reality with a touch of exaggeration. From gaining weight to keeping friends close, it highlights the ups and downs of new motherhood while providing links to helpful resources.