What I missed out on in stretch marks during pregnancy, I gained in the form of pregnancy hemorrhoids—those painful, swollen bumps that make sitting feel like a challenge. While others proudly showcase their stretch marks as badges of honor, I find myself grappling with these pesky pregnancy-related issues. Honestly, I can’t even bring myself to acknowledge my current predicament. #HemorrhoidsAreReal #MomLife #TalkAboutIt #AnalChallenges
The Beginning of Discomfort
The discomfort began around eight weeks into my second pregnancy. At first, I was completely oblivious to what was happening down there. I always thought hemorrhoids were a problem for the elderly. But one day, when the throbbing became unbearable, I decided it was time for a closer look.
I raced to the bathroom, where the only decent mirror was located. I quickly dropped my pants, bent over, and peered over my thigh. To my utter horror, I discovered lumps and bumps around my rear end. Hemorrhoids are truly the worst.
The Panic
In a panic, I called out to my partner, “Quick! Look up hemorrhoids!”
“No way,” he replied.
“Just find my phone!”
After some frantic research, I learned that my salvation lay in a tube of hemorrhoid cream. The catch? It was hiding in the aisles of the grocery store or the local pharmacy—public humiliation was inevitable.
Seriously, I had just gotten over the embarrassment of buying heavy-duty pads and tampons. But now? The thought of navigating the aisle filled with enemas, laxatives, and other rectal remedies was overwhelming. I could already picture the only other shopper there—a sweet elderly lady with two gallons of prune juice in her cart.
The Checkout Dilemma
As if the situation couldn’t get worse, I had to face the cashier with my tube of Preparation H. I tried to hide it in my hand, hoping to blend in with the other mundane items on the conveyor belt. I considered grabbing some eggs or milk to dilute the shameful purchase, but I realized that would still draw attention.
As I placed the tube down, hoping for a female cashier, I was met with a young boy, likely a high school student. Great, I thought. He’s probably going to share a laugh with his friends about the woman who bought hemorrhoid cream.
I placed the tube on the counter and tried to play it cool, almost wishing I could say, “Oh, this is for my grandma.” But that would only make me look more guilty. Just then, a handsome firefighter strolled by, and my heart skipped a beat. As he approached, I felt a rush of embarrassment. Why now?
“Did you find everything alright today?” the cashier asked. I wanted to scream, “Just bag it already!” but all I managed was a frustrated grunt. He handed me the bag, and I dashed for the exit.
The Aftermath
Once home, I opened the box only to find that I needed wipes as a first step. Great. I rummaged through my kiddo’s bathroom for some dried-out wipes and wet them to clean the area. The hemorrhoid cream came with an applicator, but there was no way I was going to use that! Instead, I resorted to using a Q-tip while staring at my reflection in the mirror.
I diligently applied the cream for two weeks, but the hemorrhoids remained. Frustrated, I finally visited the doctor who confirmed the problem and offered me a prescription for a stronger cream. Why hadn’t I done this sooner? I could have skipped the whole embarrassing trip to the store! Next time, I’d choose a doctor’s visit over public humiliation any day—unless the doctor was a looker, then I might reconsider.
Resources for Others
If you’re dealing with similar issues, check out this informative resource for more on pregnancy and home insemination. And for those seeking a discreet option, consider the Cryobaby at-home insemination kit. You can also explore more about self-insemination at this link.
Conclusion
In summary, the journey of buying hemorrhoid cream can be an unexpectedly awkward experience, but it’s a challenge many parents face. Embracing the humor in these moments makes them a bit easier to handle.