A few weeks ago, I accidentally hit a woman with a revolving door while at the local gym. I wish I could say it was on purpose, but it was just a clumsy accident. With a baby in one arm and a folded stroller in the other, I was navigating the door when a guy behind me pushed it with an unusual amount of force. The woman in front of me stepped out but didn’t fully clear the way, and my door swung around and knocked her sideways.
“Ah, I’m so sorry!” I blurted out reflexively.
Instead of accepting my apology, she glared at me and shouted, “NEXT TIME BE MORE CAREFUL!” The other gym-goers around us exchanged glances, perhaps judging her outburst or my predicament—who knows?
While the incident was minor, it stuck in my mind for days, playing on repeat like a familiar song I couldn’t shake off. I started to think about all the clever comebacks I wished I had said, like “Lady, it’s a revolving door!” The encounter stirred up deeper feelings, reminding me of old grudges and unresolved issues. I found myself wanting to stop feeling angry about this woman’s reaction. Holding onto resentment was affecting my everyday life, haunting me during mundane tasks like squeezing grapefruits or paying bills. This led me to ponder: How do people let go of more significant wrongs? Why do some move on from betrayal or abandonment while others remain stuck for years? I didn’t want to feel angry over a random encounter, but it felt like I had no control over my feelings.
To gain insight, I reached out to three experts in the field of forgiveness.
The Organizational Psychologist
Dr. Mark Lawson, an organizational psychologist at the University of Washington, conducted an extensive analysis of forgiveness research. He found that a key factor in whether someone can forgive is their ability to empathize with the person who wronged them. Often, when someone hurts us, we focus solely on their negative traits, labeling them as “bad” or “uncaring.”
However, Dr. Lawson suggests we consider that the wrongdoing might not have been intentional. “People often act without malice,” he explains. “If we can view the situation from the offender’s perspective, we are more likely to forgive.” Reflecting on our own mistakes can help too; we tend to forgive ourselves more easily than we forgive others.
When I asked him how to stop ruminating, like I was about the woman at the gym, he advised, “Think of forgiveness as a gift you can offer the other person. Recall a time you were forgiven and the relief it brought you. Remember that trying to suppress thoughts of conflict usually doesn’t work; instead, shift your thinking.”
For more serious grievances, like co-parenting with an ex after a difficult breakup, he emphasized recognizing that both parties typically have the child’s best interests at heart.
Dr. Lawson also recommended considering the REACH method, a five-step strategy for forgiveness created by psychologist Everett Worthington.
The Mindfulness Expert
I also spoke with Laura Grant, director of the Mindfulness in Wellness Program. She explained that mindfulness involves acknowledging the mind’s tendency to dwell on the past, which often leads to feelings of guilt or discomfort. “The goal is to manage this tendency,” she said. “In mindfulness practice, when your mind wanders, gently redirect your focus to your breath and the present moment.”
Both Dr. Lawson and Grant noted that the distress we feel often stems from the narrative we create around the incident, painting the other person as intentionally harmful. Grant added that sometimes, holding onto anger serves as a lesson for us. “Not letting go might be our way of avoiding growth. The one harmed most by our grudge is ourselves.”
She gave an example of revisiting an old slight from years ago, where we might feel compelled to confront the person involved, making the situation larger than it was originally. Mindfulness encourages us to acknowledge our pain without reliving it and to work through it, gradually finding peace.
The Faith Perspective
Lastly, I consulted Father John Miller, a Catholic priest with years of experience discussing forgiveness. He highlighted a scripture that resonates deeply: “Whose sins you shall forgive, they are forgiven; and whose sins you shall retain, they are retained” (John 20:21-23).
Father Miller emphasized the importance of forgiving oneself first, often through the sacrament of Reconciliation. “When we feel wronged, it causes pain. But reflecting on Jesus’s crucifixion reminds us that he endured suffering without fault,” he explained. “By offering our pain at the cross, we can rise above it rather than letting it paralyze us.”
The insights from these experts encouraged me to let go of the story surrounding my minor grievance and to replace my negative thoughts with empathy or mindfulness. By shifting my focus, I found that my fixation on the gym incident faded. Perhaps the most effective way to move past distressing experiences is to engage fully in our lives—our work, relationships, and passions—allowing us to layer over the past hurts, just like healing from a physical injury.
In summary, whether through empathy, mindfulness, or faith, there are various pathways to forgiveness. Each perspective offers actionable steps to help us move forward, allowing us to cultivate a lighter spirit and a more fulfilling life.
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