“Babe, there’s something off with my perineum!” I shout to my partner.
“Your what?” he replies, clearly surprised.
“My perineum. It’s the area that’s not quite the vagina and not quite the butt. It’s commonly known as the taint, if you will, and right now it feels like there’s a bump that’s stinging like crazy, but I can’t see it to figure out what it is!”
“Could it be a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining lately?”
“Oh, that’s a possibility. This little one has definitely made things a bit complicated down there. Do you think you’d recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”
“I might, but I’m not sure I want to see one on you.”
I can understand his hesitation to inspect my taint under these conditions, yet this is the same guy who rushes to the bathroom to hold my hair back during my morning sickness, which is, to me, much grosser. I always try to yell “get away!” but he can’t hear me over the sounds of retching, and so he bravely rides that vomit train with me. Sweet yet awful.
Anyway, after declining my offer to play doctor, he hands me a tube of Preparation H and tells me to take care of it. Thankfully, the strange bump starts to feel better almost instantly, confirming his diagnosis and sparing me the potential embarrassment of bringing it up at my next OB appointment.
When I first met my partner at a dimly lit bar five years ago, I never imagined that one day I’d be asking him to check out my pregnancy-related hemorrhoids. This is the reality of pregnancy: the mystery is long gone. It left the building when I started peeing with the door wide open. I know, I know, but if I didn’t, we’d never finish a conversation. That’s how often I’m racing to the bathroom these days.
And let’s talk about sneezing. Every time I sneeze, I pee! Since I’m allergic to dust and equally allergic to cleaning, let’s just say there’s a lot of sneezing and peeing happening around here. I’m like a poorly trained puppy my partner never signed up for.
And the gas! Don’t even get me started. I could power a motorboat right now. If you stuck a pin in my belly (please don’t!), I’d soar across the room like a cartoon balloon. The miracle of life can be downright gross sometimes.
Of course, nothing compares to that inevitable “Stay up by my head or you’ll be scarred for life!” panic during delivery. Pooping on the table, crowning, episiotomies—those are sights you can’t unsee. There should be some sort of emotional epidural for significant others, promoting post-pregnancy amnesia. I suspect this actually exists, or else no one would ever want to have more than one child! Thank goodness for science.
For more insights on navigating pregnancy, check out this post on our blog. And if you’re exploring home insemination options, Make a Mom is a fantastic resource. If you’re interested in the technical aspects of conception, Wikipedia has plenty of information on in vitro fertilization as well.
Summary:
Pregnancy can bring about a host of uncomfortable experiences, from unexpected perineum issues to the joys of sneezing and peeing simultaneously. While it may seem gross, it’s all part of the journey. With a supportive partner and a sense of humor, navigating these challenges can be a little easier.