I couldn’t quite place the scent coming from the man in the seat next to me. But honestly, it didn’t matter what cologne it was—any fragrance potent enough for anyone outside of an intimate embrace to detect should not be called by a name. I mulled over whether or not to confront him. After ruminating on what I might say, I realized that there were no words that could adequately address the situation. Anyone who enters a crowded, enclosed space and imposes their scent on everyone within a ten-foot radius for six hours must be somewhat unhinged. Perhaps their madness is subtle enough to fool even their closest friends. But let’s be clear: someone who douses themselves in heavy cologne is likely a control freak, teetering on the edge of sadism.
As I kept glancing at the back of his head, I pondered the mysterious motivations behind his choice to slather himself in a strong-smelling substance before stepping out into the world. I even thought about creating T-shirts that read things like, “COLOGNE RUINS MY PRIVATE BREATHING EXPERIENCE” or “IF YOU’RE WEARING COLOGNE, PLEASE GIVE EVERYONE A WIDE BERTH.” Maybe a simple design with the word “COLOGNE” crossed out would suffice.
The cologne industry is quite substantial. In 2013, it generated nearly one billion dollars, according to the NPD Group. Interestingly, 72 percent of adult male fragrance wearers began using cologne when they were just 17 or younger. While it may take time before we can banish cologne (not to be confused with Outlaw Cologne), perhaps we should start a cologne awareness initiative in schools.
On a brighter note, 37 percent of American men choose not to wear cologne. If you’re among them, please consider passing along the message to your friends, brothers, and fathers who do wear it: they might be giving others headaches and possibly even exhibiting signs of sociopathy. Also, I’d definitely prefer to sit behind you on a plane, share an elevator, or stroll by you on a sunny day.
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In summary, while the challenges of flying can take many forms, nothing can quite compare to the ordeal of sitting next to a heavy cologne wearer. Let’s spread awareness and perhaps help those around us breathe a little easier on their next flight!