As our knowledge of ADHD continues to evolve through advancements in neuroscience, it’s increasingly apparent that individuals with this condition—like my friend Sarah—are not merely “lazy.” Brain imaging studies indicate that certain areas of the brains of those with ADHD are underdeveloped, particularly those linked to executive functions such as planning, prioritizing, maintaining attention, and managing emotions. For someone with ADHD, tackling daily tasks can be significantly more challenging than it is for others. While their behavior may appear lazy, internally, they are often exerting tremendous effort.
Understanding Others: A Challenge
We all recognize that people are unique. Some individuals may be more easily stressed or upset than others, and preferences for music or activities vary widely. I know that I enjoy things—like jogging in the rain—that might not appeal to everyone. However, grasping the idea that someone else’s internal emotional landscape could be vastly different from my own is a struggle.
Consider a time when a friend confided in you about feeling sad or overwhelmed. If you felt you could connect with her emotions, you likely did so by relating it to your own experiences. Now, picture a scenario where your friend says, “I feel so glubby today.” You might respond, “What does glubby mean?” When she explains it’s a term she coined to describe her current feeling, you find yourself at a loss. Without a frame of reference, you cannot empathize because you have no similar experience to draw upon.
The Mechanics of Empathy
Why is it difficult to comprehend feelings that we have never encountered? Research in empathy psychology and neuroscience indicates that our understanding of others often relies on “simulation”—imagining how we would react in their situation. This simulation process occurs so automatically that we are often unaware we’re doing it.
While this method can be a powerful tool for quick empathy, it has its limitations. We can’t simulate experiences we haven’t had, leading us to assume others are more like us than they truly are.
Are You Really That Different from Me?
Evidence suggests that people may have experiences that are far more distinct from yours than you think. Here are a few examples:
- Some individuals possess vivid mental imagery, while others cannot visualize at all. Historical surveys have revealed significant differences in this skill. Interestingly, there was once a debate over whether “visual imagination” was a genuine phenomenon.
- Some people remain unaware of their color blindness, living with a completely different perception of colors than those around them.
- It’s possible to lack a sense of smell without realizing that others are experiencing something entirely different. One individual shared on Quora that for years, they thought everyone experienced the world as they did.
- While many of us consider sexual attraction a fundamental part of life, surveys indicate that about 1% of the population is asexual, meaning they feel no sexual attraction whatsoever.
The Risks of Misunderstanding Others
The ability to empathize by putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes is invaluable, but problems arise when we mistakenly believe we understand others’ experiences. This is particularly relevant in discussions surrounding ADHD, where an individual’s struggles might be misinterpreted as laziness rather than an inherent difficulty.
The same misunderstanding can extend to mental health issues. For instance, I’ve never faced severe depression and once thought it was merely an extension of feeling sad. However, upon reading a profound post about depression, I learned that it often involves an absence of emotion altogether. Recognizing this gap in my understanding has deepened my empathy.
This issue isn’t confined to mental health; it permeates everyday interactions. For example, if Tom feels hurt by something Lily said, she might be baffled by his reaction. Assuming he is unreasonable, she could escalate the situation. Alternatively, if Lily feels Tom is distant, she might conclude that he doesn’t care, not realizing he simply has a harder time opening up. Many conflicts could be resolved more smoothly if we acknowledged that others might perceive situations differently.
Enhancing Our Interpersonal Connections
Former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld once distinguished between “known unknowns” and “unknown unknowns.” The latter are particularly troublesome because they represent things we don’t even know we are unaware of. In our quest to understand others, we encounter numerous “unknown unknowns.” However, we can transform these into “known unknowns” by consistently reminding ourselves that others might possess experiences and motivations that we can’t fully grasp.
Next time you find yourself judging someone or assuming you know how they feel, consider this: Could they be experiencing something entirely different from you? Or better yet, why not ask them?
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Summary
Understanding others is a complex endeavor fraught with challenges. Our innate ability to empathize can sometimes lead us astray, causing us to misinterpret others’ experiences. By acknowledging our limitations and being open to the idea that others may feel differently, we can foster better relationships and deeper connections.