I have come across some rather shocking news—your parents are preparing to welcome a brand new baby into your family! While adults might refer to this as “having a sibling,” don’t let that fancy terminology fool you. They’ve decided to bring in a Baby 2.0, and what does that mean for you? It might feel like you’re being replaced, my friend.
But hold on! Remember, you are still the reigning monarch of your domain (though I must remind you to take a look at the crown-wearing figure in the photo—we both know who that is). Even if you are the king or queen of your castle, your new little brother or sister won’t recognize your royal status. Babies, it seems, have no respect for authority and certainly don’t follow the latest episode of Game of Thrones.
And let’s face it, babies can be incredibly needy! You’d think that with all the advancements in technology, the latest model would come with a self-sustaining feature. If only Darwin had consulted with the likes of Steve Jobs, right?
As for me, I’ve made it very clear to my parents that I’m not open to sharing my space with another baby. They know to respect my wishes, which is why every morning I get to enjoy a delightful syrup from an eyedropper—my own version of breakfast in bed (thanks to Vitamin D).
Now, little one, I’m here to help you out. The baby hasn’t arrived yet, so there’s still time for your parents to reconsider this unwelcome addition to your family. It’s up to you to remind them just how challenging a newborn can be. After all, it’s their job to keep you happy, even if your mom is feeling a bit queasy from the impending arrival.
Here are some strategies to keep in mind:
- Pretend your legs are like strands of yarn—yarn cannot stand up, and neither can you!
- If you tire of being yarn, transform yourself into a steel rod! This new persona will make getting into a car seat a challenge, and remember, “DO NOT BEND” is your new mantra.
- Channel your inner colicky baby! I know you might think you’re too old for that, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
- Overdo your carrot intake! Push your limits with veggies and, when necessary, make a dramatic exit (if you catch my drift).
- Hide an alarm clock in your crib and set it to ring every 30 minutes. This will ensure you wake your parents up at all hours. Sure, you’ll lose sleep too, but it’s a worthy sacrifice. Crying is good, but try banging on the crib for added effect—just be careful not to hurt yourself in the process.
- Avoid being too adorable. I know it’s hard—you naturally have that charm. But try smearing food on your face or refusing to smile, even when something exciting happens (like spotting a farm animal!).
- When you encounter another baby, let out a high-pitched scream that only dogs can hear, hold it for 50 Mississippis, and then—well, you know the routine.
Best of luck, little one!
Warmly,
Your Partner in Playtime
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