Updated: August 3, 2016
Originally Published: December 30, 2014
The treatment I endured was unlike anything I had faced before. Classmates taunted me about my hairstyle, my clothing, and even the way I expressed myself. They ridiculed any sign of emotion, shouting at me and invading my personal space. I felt utterly powerless. While my parents weren’t perfect, I was raised in a family where we didn’t attack one another’s vulnerabilities. One of the girls who bullied me had her own issues—she struggled with wetting her pants. I could have turned the tables by saying something like, “At least I don’t have that problem,” but I lacked the confidence to do so. It’s baffling how someone dealing with such a personal issue could still be deemed “cool.” That thought still lingers in my mind.
Eventually, I distanced myself from those peers and returned to my true friends. It was a huge relief. For about six months, I enjoyed a break from bullying until my parents purchased a summer home, where I encountered another mean crowd. The area was filled with families who were cruel—mean parents, mean children, and their mean relatives. I despised every single one of them. Even now, as an adult, their misfortunes bring me a twisted sense of joy.
Once I was old enough, I stopped visiting that place, enjoying a few years free from meanness. But during my junior year of high school, a group of boys decided to target me. Those six months were the most traumatic of my life. I faced it daily, living in fear and returning home in shame. The torment finally stopped when I contracted mono and had to stay home sick for six weeks.
Upon returning to school, I had developed a sharper disposition. If someone insulted me, I retaliated with an even harsher comment. I did whatever it took to shield myself. I remember telling one bully, who was academically smart yet physically awkward, just how unattractive he was, and reminding another, who was tall and handsome, of his lack of intelligence. It felt empowering.
For a long time, my understanding of cruel individuals revolved around avoiding them or matching their hostility. (And to clarify, I’m not suggesting I’m never unkind; I’m referring to those who are persistently and unapologetically mean.) As adults, we often can’t completely escape from difficult people—neighbors, in-laws, or ex-partners we share responsibilities with. Thus, we must learn to navigate interactions with mean individuals without losing our sanity. The only effective response I’ve found is to state firmly, “Do not speak to me like that.”
It’s crucial to deliver this message plainly and without excessive emotion. Mean people thrive on your hurt feelings; that’s where they see their opportunity to strike. By saying, “Do not speak to me like that,” you establish your boundaries. You aren’t demanding their affection or expressing how they’ve upset you; you are simply outlining the rules. Mean individuals often rely on the notion that it’s acceptable to intimidate others through cruelty and condescension. Each time you allow them to act in this way, you reinforce their power. It’s challenging, but you must assert a new standard.
This phrase, “Do not speak to me like that,” has consistently worked for me. In more challenging situations, a hint of dismissiveness can enhance its effectiveness. But remember: keep your emotions in check. You’re building a wall of strength, not one of tears.
Recently, I learned that the father of the most notorious bully I encountered faced legal troubles. It made me reflect on her upbringing and how her behavior likely stemmed from being raised by someone dishonest and deceitful. I felt a sense of satisfaction because, while it may not be the most mature reaction, it was mine.
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Summary
This article discusses the author’s experiences with bullying throughout her life, highlighting the importance of setting boundaries with mean individuals. By asserting, “Do not speak to me like that,” one can establish personal rules and protect themselves from negativity. The author reflects on her past and provides insights on navigating difficult relationships as an adult.