Stop Feeling Awkward. Start Communicating Effectively.

1. Acknowledge Individual Relationships

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   One of my favorite books on parenting, which also applies to adult interactions, is Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. They have a fantastic section that addresses the classic child complaint: “You love Sam more than me!” The authors explain that saying “I love you both equally” isn’t fulfilling because we all desire unique affection. They share a relatable adult scenario: When a wife asked her husband, “Who do you love more, your mother or me?” she wasn’t looking for a diplomatic answer. Instead, he replied, “My mother is my mother, and you’re the captivating partner I want to spend my life with.” A perfect response!

2. Provide Perspective

   Days before my wedding, I was in a frenzy about every detail, fearing everything might go wrong. For instance, I was anxious that my veil might fall off during the ceremony. My mother patiently listened to my worries and then said, “Often, the things that go wrong make the best memories.” Her words instantly calmed me down.

3. Encourage Personal Discovery

   In Piers Anthony’s fantasy novel A Spell for Chameleon, the character Bink worries about the type of magic he possesses. To find out, he seeks the Good Magician Humpfrey, who requires a year of servitude for an answer. While there, Bink meets a manticora who has nearly completed its service. When asked what it inquired, the manticora stated: “I wanted to know if I have a soul.” Humpfrey’s answer was profound: “Only those who have souls care about them.” This response didn’t just answer the question; it empowered the manticora to understand its own existence.

4. Distinguish Between Major and Minor Issues

   My partner and I were collaborating with others on a project when one person accidentally hit “reply all” to a group email instead of forwarding it to us alone, including a critical comment. After apologizing, he sent us another note lamenting the blunder. My partner replied simply: “We’ve all been there.” This concise response acknowledged the reality of the situation without making anyone feel worse.

These answers possess certain qualities worth noting. First, they validate the feelings of others. Responses like “Don’t worry” or “It will be fine” dismiss a person’s genuine concern. Regardless of whether someone should be worried, what matters is that they are. Furthermore, these replies don’t challenge a person’s feelings as unfounded. Instead, what they often need is a sympathetic ear and a fresh perspective.

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Summary

Engaging in meaningful conversations doesn’t have to be awkward. By acknowledging individual feelings, offering fresh perspectives, encouraging personal insights, and differentiating between significant and trivial matters, we can foster better communication. It’s all about understanding and validating emotions to create deeper connections.