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My Daughter Aspires to Marry a Pop Star
by Jamie Lynn Parker
Updated: Dec. 26, 2015
Originally Published: Feb. 10, 2015
“How does a baby get INSIDE the tummy?”
“If a nuclear bomb exploded in Denver, would it affect people in Texas?”
“But why was Martin Luther King, Jr. shot?”
“What’s the deal with abortion?”
“If a girl marries another girl, how do they have kids?”
These questions always arise in the car, when the music is blasting, or at the end of a long day when I’m just trying to get everyone home so we can bicker over dinner amidst the aroma of a burnt casserole. Sometimes, the inquiries are so profound that they spill over from our car rides into mealtime discussions, and now dinnertime has become known as The Time to Challenge Mom. The real challenge is that, with kids aged 6 to nearly 13, my responses need to be toned down a bit. It’s not that my youngest can’t understand certain topics—he simply doesn’t require all the details. You know how it goes.
The other day, as we were all tumbling out of the car and stumbling through the laundry room, my 8-year-old daughter suddenly mentioned her dream of marrying a famous pop star.
Being my cheeky self, I quipped, “Sure, sweetheart, but you’ll have to find a place where it’s legal. Maybe Hawaii would be a good option!” I then wandered into the kitchen, lamenting about what to make for dinner. When I glanced back, I noticed her standing there, confusion etched on her face, her backpack at her feet.
“Is it illegal for me to marry a pop star? Are we breaking the law?”
“Well, it’s not exactly illegal, but it’s not recognized in Texas,” I replied. My mind raced as I tried to gauge how much an 8-year-old should know about marriage laws. Should I dive into topics like health insurance or adoption rights? “If your pop star ever became a firefighter and something happened to her while on duty, you wouldn’t have any rights to her benefits in a state like Texas.” I stopped myself, realizing I was getting way ahead of things.
Instead, we made dinner together, and I took the opportunity to discuss the importance of loving whomever you choose and how the Supreme Court might change the laws to allow couples like her and her idol to wed anywhere they wished.
At 8, my daughter’s understanding of relationships is still evolving, but she’s definitely aware of it. I remember grappling with similar questions at her age, but discussions around marriage equality weren’t part of my childhood. While the world still has its flaws and struggles with ignorance, I’m grateful for the progress that has been made.
There are still societal expectations and norms surrounding famous figures, but we also see glimpses of authenticity. Adults can debate the meanings behind songs like “I Kissed a Girl,” while shows featuring same-sex couples become more commonplace. My kids attend a school where two-mom and two-dad families are just part of the daily fabric of life. I remember when a trans student came out in my son’s fifth-grade class, and the response was, “Your new name is awesome!” That moment sparked a conversation about identities that I never expected.
Reflecting on my role models at her age, I think of women like Ellen and Mae Jemison, and how different my upbringing might have been if figures like them had openly discussed their relationships.
As we navigate our mealtime discussions, we rarely reach firm conclusions. There always seems to be a “Yes, but…” lurking in the background. For instance, when we pondered the pop star marriage, it turned into a conversation about how not every kid feels safe talking openly with their parents about such topics, highlighting the need for further change. Our discussions about nuclear war often branch into, “Yes, but diplomacy is essential.” And our talks about sperm banks become convoluted, with, “Yes, but it’s not like ATM withdrawals.”
While I can’t provide all the answers to my children’s questions, I can hope that the world continues to evolve, that their inquiries will find answers as they grow, and that they will feel empowered to influence those answers. It can be challenging to discuss complex topics like Hiroshima, multiverses, and personal identity while also managing everyday family life, but I’m grateful for these conversations. I hope they keep asking questions as they navigate their paths into adulthood.
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