Updated: August 20, 2023
Originally Published: February 11, 2023
Once, during a dinner with some wonderfully grounded friends, I experienced an eye-opening moment regarding parenting styles. The dad, a physician, and the mom, a publisher, embraced life without the allure of Pinterest aesthetics. With two kids, their idea of fun was simple: “Go outside, dig in the dirt, catch a frog, or build a fort.” They were not fans of video games or playrooms designed by high-priced engineers. Their cozy home, while inviting, certainly didn’t stretch to 20,000 square feet—an excellent reminder that four people can thrive in less.
Their parenting style resonated with me deeply. Their children rode bicycles, enjoyed whatever food was served, and politely expressed gratitude. To me, they were nailing it.
One evening, I learned of a playdate involving their kindergartner. Upon arriving, the visiting friend complimented their “adorable” home, asking, “Is this all of it?” When inside, he inquired about the playroom. The boy replied, “I don’t have one.”
“Then where do you play?” the friend asked.
“I play in my room.”
“Oh,” came the reply, “Where’s your Wii?”
“I don’t have a Wii, but we can play outside.”
The playdate continued until dinnertime when the family began setting up for an outdoor meal.
“What are you making?” the friend asked.
“Well, it’s a cookout. I’m grilling burgers and corn.”
“Oh, it’s Kobe beef, right? I can only eat Kobe beef.”
“Nope, just Costco’s 20% ground chuck.”
And just like that, the child was placed on the High Maintenance Child List (HMCL). After that evening, I made sure to inform my kids that being demanding or rude is the quickest route to the black list. With that in mind, I created this questionnaire to facilitate a smoother playdate experience for everyone involved.
Eating Preferences:
What type of eater is your child?
a) Vegan
b) Gluten-free
c) Gluten and sugar-free
d) Dairy and gluten-free, meat is fine
e) Nut-free, dairy-free, gluten okay
f) Will eat any food as long as it doesn’t touch on the plate
g) Will only drink soda, regardless of availability
h) Will eat anything as long as it’s colorless and has no sauces or dressings
Sleepover Guidelines:
Please inform me of the following:
a) Your child has never slept past 5 AM and expects entertainment to be provided at that hour.
b) Your child needs back rubbing to sleep; I might need to brush up on my massage skills.
c) Your child’s health-conscious eating means I should brace for consequences if I offer them pizza or buttered popcorn.
d) Your child has never slept in their own bed; I should prepare for nocturnal visits.
Pet Considerations:
We have several pets; how should we prepare?
a) Your child has cat allergies but is fine with dogs.
b) Your child loves cats but fears dogs.
c) Your child has allergies to both cats and dogs—please board all animals.
d) Your child’s allergies necessitate a full house air filter running for 24 hours prior to the playdate.
Toys for Playtime:
What toys should be available?
a) Legos, but not proper sets; creativity must not be stifled by instructions.
b) Legos with complete sets; please ensure all pieces are included as directions are essential.
c) American Girl Dolls, complete with clothes and a hair salon.
d) Any toys that aren’t made in China.
Television and Movies:
What are the viewing preferences?
a) Your child can watch PG-13 movies as long as there’s no profanity or sexual content; violence is acceptable.
b) Your child can handle PG-13 as long as it’s free of violence and strong language.
c) Your child is not allowed to watch TV at all; studies suggest it might impact their IQ.
d) Your child can watch anything; they have older siblings, and your only request is that they remain safe.
Preferred Activities:
What activities would your child enjoy?
a) Baking gluten-free cupcakes with socially aware decorations?
b) Creating short films—costumes and high-tech gear would be fantastic!
c) Playing board games; please send the adjusted rules to ensure no one’s self-esteem is hurt.
d) Engaging in visual arts; a list of preferred mediums would be appreciated, especially if crayons are deemed inferior.
Household Rules:
What household guidelines should we follow?
a) Snacks and drinks should be allowed throughout the house to prevent any low blood sugar crises.
b) Furniture should be covered to avoid upsets over foot placement.
c) All delicate items should be stored away, as discovering breakables can crush spirits.
d) An indoor jungle gym should be constructed, transforming the stairs into a playground.
A big thank you to all the parents who shared their kids’ high-maintenance tendencies so I could create this post. And a special nod to my children for letting me poke fun at some of their quirks.
P.S. This is meant to be humorous.
P.P.S. I’m sure your child is not on the HMCL!
For more insights, check out our related post about the journey to parenthood and tips on enhancing fertility at Make a Mom. For further reading on pregnancy, Healthline offers excellent resources.
Summary:
This playful questionnaire aims to navigate the challenges of hosting high-maintenance children, ensuring that everyone involved has a delightful experience. From dietary preferences to sleepover expectations and toy selections, it provides a humorous yet practical guide for parents.