Dear friends and onlookers,
I can tell that my entourage of little ones might be causing you some discomfort. (Or perhaps it’s just the one who’s sporting nothing but mittens and a cut-off?) While there are merely three of them, I completely understand how that might feel like a lot, even bordering on chaotic for an innocent bystander like you. Let me take a moment to pause the whirlwind of activity around me to address your possible concerns about my rather boisterous family.
How Do Babies Come Into This World?
First off, I’m not quite sure how babies come into this world! And as for birth control, I’m also in the dark (is it really necessary to take it daily, or can I just crush it into a fine powder and make a wish as I toss it into the wind?). I’d love to hear your insights on this matter. Please, share your wisdom! Be as detailed as you can, and feel free to include any political views so I know how to cast my vote. If you could also sketch a diagram of my anatomy, it might help me figure out what I’m doing wrong and where all these tiny humans are appearing from. And just to clarify, I can’t contact the Pope — my Italian is a bit rusty.
One Less Than What I Currently Have?
You mentioned that the ideal number of children is one less than what I currently have? Thank goodness you said that — here, take my middle child!
Yes, I know my hands are full. SO. FULL. It’s likely due to my petite carnie hands. However, your hands seem quite free and, if I may add, a tad too idle. So when you point out that my hands are overflowing with kids, it sounds to me like you’re offering to lend a hand. Why not finish my grocery shopping and swing by around 7 PM to babysit while I enjoy a night out with my husband? Don’t worry; you can give me advice on how to prevent future babies post-date.
Parenting Tips and Discipline
I can see you’re eager to share your parenting tips! Thanks for your concise suggestion to pacify my wailing baby with a pretzel or perhaps my car keys. Who would have thought?
While you’re here, would you mind stepping in to discipline the kids? I clearly have more than I can manage, and in what might appear to be a rather stressful moment for me, what I could really use is some old-school advice from you about how you handled your kids back in 1974. Could you also help my two-year-old understand that her emotional outburst isn’t the highlight of a stranger’s day? You’re right; nobody enjoys a crybaby.
Are We Done Having Kids Yet?
Are we done having kids yet? I’ll leave that decision to you!
How will I manage their college expenses? In a van! Get it? I like to kick off unsolicited conversations about my finances with a joke. But truthfully, I had a feeling I’d need my bank statements out today. Phew!
Who Are the Duggars?
Who are these Duggars you mentioned? Please, do enlighten me.
You’re curious about how I juggle it all? Here’s a hint: it involves a dungeon and a third nipple.
I’m delighted we had this chat. I hope you now feel more at ease with my lively entourage — I mean, my family. Ultimately, a mom’s happiness is only as high as the mood of the saddest stranger in line at the Post Office.
Further Reading
If you’re interested in more insights on parenting and home insemination, check out this excellent resource on fertility or learn about at-home options from Make a Mom. For further reading, our other posts can be found here.
In summary, having a bunch of little ones can be quite the adventure filled with chaos, unsolicited advice, and the occasional stranger’s input. It’s all part of the beautiful mess of parenting.