In 1992, I welcomed Fox Mulder, the beloved and eccentric FBI agent from The X-Files, into my heart, and I’ve yet to find a way to let him go. The truth really lies both out there and within me.
The Man in My Mind
It was during a delightful first date that I realized Mulder’s presence in my psyche. As my date and I sipped wine and discussed our past relationships, I blurted out, “Fox Mulder is my inner muse.” My date looked at me as if I were a conspiracy nut, but I knew I had stumbled upon something profound. For those unfamiliar with Carl Jung’s theories, the “animus” represents the idealized masculine figure within a woman’s unconscious—essentially, the man I aspire to be with or evolve into.
Sure, I’m just one of many fans enamored by him, yet I can’t help but dream of the deep, late-night conversations we’d share on his couch (which, by the way, he didn’t even have until season six). I’d love him unconditionally, even with his secret vices, and I would save him from nefarious figures like The Smoking Man.
To satisfy my curiosity about whether my feelings had waned over the decades, I binge-watched The X-Files. Spoiler: my affection for Mulder remains intact. Whether it’s early, mid, or late Mulder, I find myself transformed into a starry-eyed fan girl, feeling both envy and happiness for Scully. Thank you, streaming services!
Adoring the Character and the Actor
To further understand my feelings for Mulder, I read David Duchovny’s latest novel, Holy Cow. The story follows a talking cow named Elsie Bovary who escapes to India to avoid a grim fate, accompanied by a pig and a turkey with their own wild adventures. It’s a clever allegory touching on themes of intolerance and mortality, steeped in humor and puns. What more could a nice Jewish vegetarian girl wish for?
Then there’s Hank Moody, Duchovny’s more notorious character. I found him irresistibly charming and amusing, with the kind of vulnerability I typically gravitate towards. Yet, Mulder remains my true love.
An Encounter with David Duchovny
A few years ago, I had the chance to meet the man behind both Mulder and Moody, and I turned into a nervous wreck. Living in New York, I usually abide by the unspoken rule that we treat celebrities like ordinary people. However, when Duchovny was filming nearby, I couldn’t resist joining the throngs of fans. Standing just twenty feet away from him, my heart raced.
I struck up a conversation with a fellow fan, who insisted that he was glancing over at us. To my disbelief, she was right! When he approached, I froze, unable to muster a word for what felt like an eternity. “Isn’t anyone going to say anything?” he finally asked, breaking the silence. As the crowd surged forward for photos, I felt paralyzed, embodying the ultimate nerdy fan. My newfound friend encouraged me to return the next day for a photo, which I did, but I was still trembling the whole time.
Every Man I Meet Is Mulder
As I’ve dated various troubled geniuses, I’ve realized that they often embody the Mulder archetype—captivating yet overwhelming. While I’ve learned to focus more on my own creativity over time, the journey isn’t over. Perhaps my fascination with Mulder stems from my high school boyfriend introducing me to The X-Files, leaving a lasting imprint, much like the abductees in the show. Raised on ’80s and ’90s television, it’s not surprising that I conflate my deepest desires with a fictional character. Or, to stick with Jung, maybe there’s a troubled genius within me just waiting to break free.
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Summary
This reflection delves into the enduring fascination one writer has with Fox Mulder, the iconic character from The X-Files. From the realization that he represents her inner muse to a memorable encounter with actor David Duchovny, the piece intertwines personal anecdotes with Jungian concepts. It highlights how fictional characters can influence our perceptions of love and creativity, all while offering resources about home insemination.