When women who choose to remain child-free share their experiences, we often start with the same refrain: “I absolutely adore kids! Please don’t think I’m a bad person!” I’ll stick to that tradition here, mostly because it’s the honest truth—I truly enjoy being around children, from precious newborns and spirited toddlers to curious elementary school kids and moody teens. I’m not sorrowful about not having kids of my own, yet it saddens me that women like me often feel the need to defend our choices regarding parenthood before the discussion even begins.
We’ve all encountered the same scenario: as soon as we reveal our decision to not have children, someone inevitably labels us as selfish. I remember in my early 30s when a male friend, who had been settling down and raising a family since our 20s, told me that my choice was selfish. I was taken aback, and that moment marked the slow decline of our two-decade friendship.
Why the Need to Defend?
Child-free women often feel defensive when faced with accusations of selfishness because we understand the underlying message: it implies we’re somehow less feminine or maternal. This notion suggests we’re not fulfilling our supposed purpose as women.
What often goes unrecognized is the level of selflessness that comes with being child-free. We pour our love and energy into friends, their children, aging parents, pets, and our communities, both locally and globally. Without the demands of parenting, I’m able to engage in activism and contribute positively to society.
When a man calls a child-free woman selfish, it’s a simplistic and diminutive view that misses the bigger picture. It suggests that pleasure in relationships is off-limits if it doesn’t lead to procreation. Even progressive figures, like Pope Francis, have fallen into this outdated mindset.
The Misconception of “Best Thing”
Then there are the well-meaning friends who are parents. Sometimes, they look at me with pity and encourage me to experience motherhood because it has been the highlight of their lives. While I believe them, I simply have different highlights. I suspect their desire for me to join the parenting club comes from a place of projection about their own choices.
I’ve settled into a quieter life; I’m not out partying every night as they might imagine. More often than not, you’ll find me unwinding at home with a Netflix binge after a long workday, just like everyone else. Yet, some friends with kids seem to wish for me to endure sleepless nights and the challenges of motherhood so that I can truly understand their journey.
Open to Possibilities
It’s important to clarify that I occupy a unique space among the child-free. Adoption is something I might consider if the circumstances are right, and I’m open to becoming a stepmother. However, I made the decision to forgo biological motherhood nearly a decade ago due to concerns about overpopulation and climate change. I can love and care for children, even if they aren’t my biological offspring. Adoption would be a straightforward choice for me if it were affordable, and I’d even consider fostering if my living situation were different.
You know what? If I never become a mother, I won’t be heartbroken. I genuinely feel content with my life as it is. I don’t lie awake at night fretting over missed opportunities or dwindling fertility. I am fulfilled and whole.
If motherhood is in my future, I hope to maintain my identity as a woman, a writer, and a human being. Motherhood can be glorified in our society, and while moms deserve recognition for their hard work, I want to remind them that they are complex individuals, not just “mommies.”
When I first wrote about being child-free, I faced unexpected backlash. My article “My Uterus Is Closed For Business and I Have No Regrets” received nearly 500 comments, many harshly labeling me as selfish. Yet, it also garnered almost 6,000 likes on Facebook, indicating that many women resonate with the narrative of being child-free.
Years later, it’s evident that we still have a journey ahead to liberate the child-free from judgment. This process should start with how we raise our daughters today. Not every girl will grow up to be a mother, so it’s essential to convey that being child-free is a valid choice—one that holds equal value to any other path.
Fostering acceptance for child-free choices requires introspection, examining our own life decisions. This dialogue should begin early and continue into our 30s and 40s. Whether we are out dancing until dawn or up all night with a baby, it’s vital to respect each other’s choices.
Summary
The article explores the experiences of women who choose to remain child-free, illuminating the societal pressures and misconceptions they face. It discusses the joy of being around children while asserting that not having kids does not equate to selfishness or sadness. The author emphasizes the importance of recognizing the contributions of child-free individuals to society and encourages a dialogue that respects diverse life choices.