Updated: Aug. 22, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 21, 2023
As the school year kicks off, I always sit down with my kids to discuss the topic of bullying. It’s crucial to explain what bullies are and emphasize that they should never become one themselves. This conversation is particularly important for us, as both of our children are on the autism spectrum and have difficulty interpreting others’ emotions. Sarcasm? It goes right over their heads. Recognizing meanness? That’s a challenge too. If they perceive another child as being unkind, it’s likely they’ll react poorly, highlighting the need for timely intervention.
This brings up a significant parenting dilemma: When should you step in as a parent? How do you strike a balance between letting your child stand up for themselves and stepping in to protect them? It’s a delicate tightrope that all parents must navigate as their children grow.
Two years ago, when our oldest experienced bullying for the first time, we held meetings with the school, and the bully faced consequences. However, we knew that this wouldn’t be a one-time event. My partner and I had numerous discussions about how to approach future incidents. Should we report every little thing to the school? We want our kids to learn to advocate for themselves, but we can’t always be there to fight their battles.
Last year, the same child who had bullied our oldest previously started up again, and I was furious. Our sensitive child was crying himself to sleep nightly due to the torment from one particularly cruel kid. Lying awake at night, I wrestled with how to help him build resilience without encouraging him to become a bully himself.
During one of those sleepless nights, my child asked me what he should do when faced with bullying. Taking a deep breath, I responded, “When I encounter bullies, I remind myself that this person is just unpleasant. In life, we meet many people—most are kind, but some are just mean. So, when that kid acts nasty, just tell yourself, ‘This kid is unpleasant.’”
To my surprise, he found comfort in this advice. However, I felt a twinge of worry about the potential consequences of my words. What if he went to school and called the kid out directly? Thankfully, he didn’t, and this strategy turned out to be quite effective.
Recently, while at a local park, a group of kids began harassing our youngest. Their words were shockingly cruel, even telling him that the world would be better off without him. In that moment, I knew I had to act. No child should be told such things, and I stepped in to support my son.
After some tears and a heartfelt apology, our youngest seemed to move on from the incident, which I silently appreciated, as his autism meant he might not fully grasp the meanness of the situation. However, my oldest definitely understood what had occurred.
As we left the park, I walked beside my oldest, fighting back tears. I calmly asked if he was okay after witnessing what had happened. “I’m fine, and I’m just glad my brother is okay. Those kids were just mean,” he replied. In that moment, I felt a sense of relief that we were navigating this parenting journey together.
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In summary, dealing with bullies is an essential conversation for parents, especially when raising children who may struggle with social cues. We must equip them with the tools to handle such situations while also ensuring they know when to ask for help.