If you’re new to the winter scene up here, here are some unmistakable signs you’re in too deep:
- Since the clock struck January, your home has transformed into your primary residence, far outpacing your time at work or school. Alongside snow days, you’ve also taken sick days thanks to the flu that spread like wildfire among your close-knit crowd. Your last box of tissues has vanished, and your nose is now tender from using pages ripped from the IKEA catalog as makeshift tissues.
- Your vehicle has suffered some sort of weather-induced mishap. Whether it’s getting stuck in a snowbank or losing a tire to an unseen pothole, you might also be dealing with the aftereffects of carpal tunnel from giving fellow drivers the finger—many of whom seem to lack basic winter driving skills.
- Personal hygiene? What’s that? With your car buried under a mountain of snow, venturing out feels like a distant memory. Why change out of your pajamas? Or brush your teeth? Or even take a shower? You tell yourself that the extra funk will keep you warm, but spoiler alert: it won’t, and you definitely smell.
- You’ve turned to drinking more than usual. With nothing else to occupy your time, you’ve binged your way through Netflix, your eyes red and dry from hours of screen time spent posting cheeky weather updates. You’re too worn out (and achy from shoveling) to get cozy with your partner. By now, you’ve polished off the wine and beer and are down to that dusty bottle of crème de menthe, which has also become your mouthwash.
- You’ve been indulging in food like it’s going out of style. Don’t stress if your jeans feel a bit snug; lately, you’ve been living in a pet-hair-covered sweatshirt and comfy flannel pants. Cooking and baking have become your favorite pastimes, and who can resist the warmth radiating from an oven?
- A trip to the hardware store was an exercise in futility. Even if you’ve successfully dug out your car and navigated the icy roads, finding essentials like a space heater, a generator, or rock salt feels impossible. If you can’t order it through Amazon Prime, it’s simply not worth having.
- Garbage collection is a distant memory. When trash day rolls around, good luck trying to haul your bins over the towering snowdrifts to the curb. Your porch has turned into a mini landfill, primarily filled with empty liquor bottles and boxes from Amazon deliveries.
- You’ve reached the level of ‘bad parent.’ All creative winter activities for the kids have been exhausted. Your toddler is now entertained by a solitary handful of popcorn kernels rattling in a taped-up Tupperware. At your lowest point, you surrender and let your child binge-watch eight hours of cartoons while you curl up in the fetal position with the remaining popcorn.
- Your social skills have taken a nosedive. Any appointment or invitation that doesn’t guarantee off-street parking has been canceled. When you finally cross paths with someone familiar, you can’t help but embrace them and burst into tears—your mail carrier and UPS driver now keep their distance.
- When the inevitable flooding begins, you’re not too heartbroken. As the snow melts away, the water starts seeping into your basement and dripping through your windows due to ice dams. You reassure yourself that your house, like you, is just shedding tears of joy.
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Summary:
This light-hearted piece underscores the shared experiences of New Englanders during extreme snow conditions, from battling cabin fever to messy home situations. It humorously highlights the challenges of winter life while reminding readers of the joys of warmth and comfort, whether through food or shared moments with family.