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If you’ve ever found yourself stuffing 25 party favor bags for a child’s birthday celebration or watched your eight-year-old struggle to write the same two sentences on 25 different thank-you notes, then you’re likely acquainted with the maddening urge that so often accompanies these tasks: the desire to bang your head against a wall in frustration.
Ah, the infamous party favors and thank-you notes. What drives us to put ourselves through this?
Here’s my theory: there’s a covert group of overzealous parents whose mission seems to be to torment everyday moms by setting unrealistic social standards that no sane individual could meet without some serious caffeine or perhaps something a bit stronger. This elite organization is secretly backed by greeting card companies and that toy manufacturer that produces those tiny parachute soldiers (which inevitably get tangled the moment your child plays with them, leading to epic meltdowns).
This clandestine committee likely goes by the elaborate title of “The Coalition for Creating Social Norms to Subdue Everyday Motherhood.” For convenience, they refer to themselves as “The Social Norms Coalition.”
Ordinary moms, of course, aren’t allowed at their meetings, which is why the ludicrous ideas like party favors and thank-you notes always get approved. If a few regular mothers managed to sneak into one of these gatherings and the subject of party favors came up, here’s how it might unfold:
One mom would kick over a chair and exclaim, “Are you kidding me? After I spend $150 on a bounce house, you want me to shell out another $50 for bags filled with junk for every child?” The Coalition members would exchange uneasy glances and respond, “Well, dear, how else are we supposed to make everyone else feel inadequate?” Their facade would be unguarded because they wouldn’t yet realize that an ordinary mom has infiltrated their ranks.
The ordinary mom would counter, “But what if I’ve already spent hours prepping my home and entertaining guests? Isn’t that sufficient?”
At this point, the Coalition would recognize that something was off; after all, real members don’t use phrases like “sufficient.” They would hastily put the matter of party favors to a vote before chaos ensued. “All in favor?” someone would call out, and nearly everyone except the ordinary moms would raise their hands. Meanwhile, the ordinary mothers would start yelling, “Absolutely not, this is absurd!”
Total mayhem would erupt, leading to members being put in headlocks until they agreed to remove party favors from the agenda. Just as the situation escalated, security would arrive to escort the ordinary moms out, citing a rule established in a previous meeting that expressly forbids headlocks during discussions.
What a pity, as this would mean those moms would miss the vote on thank-you cards. But if they had been allowed to stay, they might have responded with: “Do you have a vendetta against trees? Because I can’t fathom a more wasteful use of paper than thank-you cards that end up in the trash after being read—if they’re even read! It’s as if you have a grudge against the environment. Are you all out of your minds?”
By this point, chairs would be flying, and security would begin to intervene, oblivious to the Coalition’s membership status. The chaos created by the ordinary moms would leave the Coalition in such disarray that they would never dare to regroup.
Hooray! Ordinary moms triumph!
Except… they don’t. The unfortunate truth is that these ordinary moms never receive invitations to the secretive meetings of the Coalition for Creating Social Norms to Subdue Everyday Motherhood, where far-reaching decisions are made without our awareness.
But here we are, right? Let’s band together. While we may feel powerless alone, together we can advocate for change. It’s time to stand firm against the absurd social expectations that have insidiously invaded our cherished celebrations.
From this moment on, I declare: I will no longer prepare any party favors or force my child to write 25 thank-you notes! Instead, I will rent an amazing bounce house, whip up some delectable strawberry cupcakes (okay, it’s Betty Crocker, but seriously, they’re delicious), order ten pizzas, and entertain your child for hours.
When you return from your well-deserved break, I’ll greet you with a genuine hug and a heartfelt “thank you” from both me and my child. And because you’re also an everyday mom, you’ll reply, “No, thank you!”
For more on navigating the world of parenting and home insemination, check out IVF Babble for excellent resources, or explore tips on self-insemination to make the journey even smoother. And if you’re curious about more parenting insights, you can read about the madness of goody bags and thank-you cards.
Summary: The article humorously critiques the societal pressures surrounding party favors and thank-you cards that overwhelm ordinary parents. It imagines a fictional committee that perpetuates these unrealistic expectations while advocating for a more relaxed approach to celebrations. The author vows to abandon these traditions in favor of genuine experiences and heartfelt gratitude.