When Mom’s the Main Provider: A Fresh Perspective on Balancing Work and Family

self insemination kit

I’ve spent years in a job that didn’t fulfill me, knowing that from the onset of my relationship with Jake, I’d likely be the primary breadwinner in our household. (Yes, I dislike the term breadwinner—it’s not a gluten thing, I promise.) I trudged to that job, exchanging my time and self-worth for a paycheck to cover our rent, groceries, and bills. On a particularly bright spring morning, filled with frustration, I found myself envying Jake, who enjoyed the freedom of staying home, following his interests, and indulging in mindless TV. At that time, he was in a “figuring things out” stage after his teaching position in Pennsylvania ended, moving to New York, and contemplating a mix of teaching jobs and building bookcases as a side hustle.

Seated in the front of his double-parked truck—typical for New York City’s chaotic parking rules—I asked him point-blank, “Would you ever take a job you despised just to secure benefits for us?” His firm “No” must have shown on my face, igniting a mix of anger and disappointment that inadvertently made him cry.

That miserable morning was also a wake-up call. I realized I couldn’t sit back and wait for him to find any job that would allow me to quit and explore my own options. Soon after, what began as a favor to a friend transformed into Jake’s budding business of building cabinets, marking the start of his new career.

Fast forward ten years, Jake’s income is decent—if we lived anywhere but New York City. Unfortunately, this city is where my career thrives and where his clientele has formed. Thus, my career choices are constantly weighed against salary and benefits. (It’s worth noting that I’ve yet to meet anyone who has gone freelance with a family, signed up for Obamacare, and felt satisfied with the coverage.) Most days, I maintain a calm demeanor, appreciating Jake’s self-employment, which gives one of us flexibility for school and childcare. But at least four times a year, I find myself in a heavy funk about our financial situation.

It often feels overwhelming, especially during annual layoffs at my workplace. I can’t help but wonder about friends whose partners are in high-paying jobs. Why work if money isn’t an issue? While I understand many find joy and fulfillment in their careers, I can’t help but think it pales in comparison to watching a classic episode of Law & Order with Michael Moriarty on a Tuesday morning.

As I grapple with these feelings, I can’t help but ponder whether men in the past felt similarly, especially when women didn’t work outside the home. Did my father ever feel stifled, surrounded by the demands of my mother and my three sisters? Eventually, my mom did take a job—working for my dad—primarily to save money for her shopping habits. Unlike him, I juggle family responsibilities while pursuing my career. I must work, secure benefits, and ensure our daughter gets to her dentist appointments and birthday parties with trendy gifts in hand. To be fair, Jake isn’t completely off the hook—our daughter is five, and I can count on one hand how many times I’ve managed to trim her nails or make her breakfast.

I take solace in connecting with other women in similar situations. No matter where I find myself working, there are always a few of us who share this experience. We often chat at our desks, dreaming of what life would be like if we had married someone wealthy or at least someone with fantastic benefits. Inevitably, one of my colleagues will mention going back to school or starting a small side business, often involving something creative like flower arranging or cupcake baking. My dream job, oddly enough, would be working with Jake in his woodshop, learning a tangible skill and engaging in something that feels real—far removed from a job that chips away at my spirit.

For more insights on navigating parenting and work, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination from Facts About Fertility. If you’re interested in exploring your options for starting a family, consider visiting this page on couples’ fertility journeys. And for those diving into home insemination, we have more information available at Intracervical Insemination.

In summary, balancing work and family responsibilities can be a daunting task, especially for women who find themselves as the primary earners. While there are challenges, connecting with others who share similar experiences and exploring new opportunities can provide comfort and inspiration.