Updated: Aug. 1, 2023
Originally Published: March 29, 2015
Guilt is a heavy burden that often weighs down a parent’s heart. It’s a sneaky feeling that wraps itself around us, hiding but always leaving a trace behind. As a mother, I find that guilt intertwines itself with my love and occasional frustration. Lately, that guilt has been more pronounced as I watch my brilliant daughter dance along the edges of anxiety. The signs are there: stomachaches, nail-biting, sleepless nights, and racing hearts. I’m here, trying my best to support her, yet all I can think is, “This is my fault” and “I’m pouring water on a fire that’s only beginning to burn.”
If we were having coffee, I can almost hear you shake your head and insist, “It’s not your fault.” You would be partially right. I know that anxiety can stem from a brain wired to feel this way. She inherited my tendencies to worry, a legacy I never intended to pass on.
Perhaps we could explore the differences between belief and worry, reality and fretfulness. But despite the biological factors, I can’t shake the feeling that many events have fanned the flames of her anxiety. The situations we faced have acted like bellows, inflating her worries, and I fear I’ve contributed to that inflation.
Thoughts race through my mind: I had to wean her earlier than she was ready. I was hospitalized unexpectedly for weeks, leaving her and her younger brother behind. His premature arrival demanded my attention like no other, and I often found myself lost in my own worries, unable to fully engage with her.
Could I have changed those circumstances? No. Is it fair to blame myself? No. Should I move forward? Yes. But I can’t help but wonder about the long-term impact.
Every parent likely grapples with similar feelings, especially when caring for multiple children. There’s never enough time to give everyone the attention they need, and this teaches sacrifice and empathy, right?
Now, I watch my six-year-old, who is brave in many ways but also trembles with anxiety. I want to shower her with affirmations of her strength and intelligence, but I can’t always be there when she needs those words the most. I’m not there for every reading session or spelling test.
To make up for my absence, I hug her tightly, offer her healthy snacks, and support her through testing for dyslexia. Despite these efforts, I worry she may not hear my love over her own anxious thoughts. I fear she might interpret “I love you” as a conditional statement, marked with an asterisk.
On this rainy Monday, as I’ve signed forms and agreed to testing, I see the teachers and administrators joining forces with us, parents, to create a supportive network. Our goal is to ensure she feels capable, smart, and brave enough to conquer the world.
Yet, I worry she’s become too self-reliant, preferring to tackle her struggles alone rather than lean on us for support. But these are my worries, not my beliefs. Deep down, I don’t believe she will slip through our safety net. I trust she will grow to feel confident and courageous.
Maybe we can discuss the difference between belief and worry together. Our past experiences shape who we are, but they don’t define our future. A morning stomachache from school challenges doesn’t mean you’re any less capable than a rocket scientist.
I want her to know that my support comes without conditions. I may feel frustrated at times, and I might not have all the answers, but I am always seeking them. We’re on this journey together, learning along the way.
I will strive to quiet the guilt that tries to creep in and to amplify my positive voice over the self-doubt that whispers in her ear. She needs to understand that the world is hers to explore, and she has the power to control her own destiny.
Together, we’ll tackle the challenges ahead. Not to stoke the flames of anxiety but to embrace our strengths and face the world like superheroes, charging toward adventure, not shying away.
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Summary
Parenthood is intertwined with feelings of guilt, especially when a child experiences anxiety. This piece reflects on a mother’s struggle to balance her own worries while supporting her daughter. By nurturing open communication about anxiety, belief, and self-reliance, they can face challenges together with resilience and love.