Some time ago, one of my sons was going through a tough phase where he felt less “popular” than he desired. We can skip the nuances of what popularity truly means; the key takeaway was that this usually lively and outgoing child was sensing a distance from some friends, leading to feelings of grumpiness and irritability.
We went through the typical conversations about the dynamics of friendship—who said what, who did what, and how one’s actions can influence how others perceive you. We discussed how trying too hard can sometimes backfire. He listened, but it was evident that he was only partially engaged. Then I had an idea: I asked him to think of a few people I would name and to share the first three words that came to mind about each one. I mentioned some friends, family members, a teacher, and a couple of classmates. He easily came up with descriptors like “funny,” “smart,” “energetic,” “a bit of a show-off,” and “kind.”
Next, I posed a different question: “When people hear your name or see you walk into a room, what three words would you like them to think of?” He paused, contemplating his response, and eventually suggested positive traits like “funny, cool, and interesting.” I could see how these words fit him well, but I gently asked if he believed these were the words people would associate with him at that moment, given how he had been feeling recently. He admitted that maybe they weren’t. I then asked if he felt these words reflected his self-image these days. Again, he agreed that they might not.
We dove into a conversation about how he could align his chosen words with his actions and self-perception. I held up a metaphorical mirror for him to reflect on himself, and what I appreciated about this dialogue was how he was leading the exploration of his feelings, with just a little guidance from me. I avoided the all-too-familiar lecturing style, and instead, he was able to come to realizations on his own. This made the conversation more constructive and, hopefully, more impactful.
Of course, there will be more bumps in the road, and I’m sure I’ll find myself raising my voice and then apologizing to my kids before bedtime tonight, but I left that conversation feeling quite pleased. More importantly, my son felt better too. Moments like these are worth celebrating quietly once the kids are tucked in bed.
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Summary:
In this article, a mother shares an insightful conversation with her son who was feeling less popular. Through a series of questions, she encourages him to reflect on how he wants to be perceived and how that aligns with his current feelings. Their dialogue fosters self-awareness and understanding, showcasing the importance of communication in parenting. Moments like this, though they may seem small, can have lasting effects on a child’s self-esteem.